All the World’s a Stage

Photo: society6.com
Photo: society6.com

We have a Lego family that lives on our bookshelf.  The boys and I created the custom mini-figures for my husband’s birthday last year.  There, among my books, under a towering Lego Empire State Building, they stand in all their primary color, plastic haired glory.  An expensive, brick-ed out representation of the four great loves of my life; my three boys, my city.

Today, I accidentally sucked Lego “Me” up with the vacuum cleaner.   And I had a bit of a minor freak out.

Sometimes there’s a little bit of crazy that lives in my head.  Sometimes I have a tendency to over-think.  Shocking, I know.  But my life as a writer is built upon symbolism and comparison, simile and analogy.  Metaphor is a big part of what I do, how I think, who I am.  So you can imagine the thoughts that raced through my head as I watched my Lego self get sucked into the vortex of my Dyson.  To make matters worse, when I emptied the damn thing, I could only find my Lego hair.  As if Lego Dina got pulverized and mixed into the debris and detritus that regularly litters my area rugs and fills my bins.  Eventually, I found the rest of my Lego counterpart.  But I had to dig deep, bit by linty bit.

Had I lost my Lego doppelgänger, I’m not sure what I would have done.  Watching myself get sucked into a black hole, even though it was only a mini-figure of myself and only into a vacuum cleaner, was scary.  In a metaphorical kind of way.  In my overly stimulated brain, it was like some sort of omen.

It’s been a long week.

See, I’ve only just found myself again.  Not my whole self, but a part of myself that’s been missing for a while.  Not forgotten or repressed or buried, not bound and locked deep down to keep the demons at bay or anything that dramatic, just knocked out with a subconscious sedative while another role took precedence.

Photo:  world-wide-art.com
Photo: world-wide-art.com

We all play roles.  From the moment we’re born, we’re thrust into roles.  First it is daughter or son; brother or sister; first-born, middle child, baby of the family.  As we mature, we may take on the role of friend, confidant.  The roles start to get meatier, more substantial as we age.  Roles you can really sink your teeth into.  Husband, wife; mother, father; provider, nurturer.  And just like a cheap stage production that can’t afford enough actors to fill out its cast, we’re usually required to play more than one character, more than one role at any given time.  Often they’re fluid, so it is not too difficult to segue our way from one to the next without too much thought. But occasionally, the role is so big, so encompassing, so chock full of import that everything else is subsumed by it.

A lot of women, myself included, let themselves be consumed by the role of Mother.  Many are consumed voluntarily.  Lots of us are just too tired and befuddled to fight it.  But these beefy roles—parent, provider, nurturer—these roles require so much more attention to detail and physical presence and time and thought that they tend to eclipse the rest.  And sometimes the eclipse becomes so elongated in its duration that we begin to confuse night and day, day and night.  Me becomes Mom.  You becomes Dad.  We bumps along in the backseat like a toddler along for the ride.  And I?  I sometimes gets left behind by mistake.

When you play a role for too long, you stop hearing the words.  You simply recite the lines from memory.  The passion that fueled those first few performances starts to ebb, as it must.  Gestures become less emphatic, expression less heartfelt.  It becomes robotic and stilted, it lacks in any of the spontaneity that makes a performance a stand-out.  And it is easy to forget that this wasn’t the way it always was, that there used to be more.

And then one day you wake up and your role has changed.  Your children have made themselves breakfast or they are wiping their own backsides.  They stop thinking that the moon revolves around you and the sun goes to bed by your decree.  They grow up.  But the need for the constant role of Mom is less constant and there is a little breathing space.  The role that has been your most familiar through sheer hours put in, the one that has consumed you and become you, starts to deflate a bit.   And there is room again for a little bit of “I” in there.  The problem is, if you haven’t left a trail of breadcrumbs back to yourself, your “I”, then you’re quite simply, kind of screwed.

I started writing again last year after a decade long hiatus.  The breadcrumb trail had long dried up, become stale.  Yet I found my way back somehow.  And in doing so, I have found a joy in writing that surprised me.  Not just a purpose or a release, but an unfettered joy.  I am inspired by my children, by my husband, by my conversation and discussions with friends.  But writing is mine, and mine alone.  It is the ‘me’.  And that can be scary.  Because now I am not just Mom.  I am not just Wife.  I have a big bit of the “I” again.  And I don’t want to lose it.

Even if it’s a Lego Me.  Luckily for me, I’ve got them both back.

Lego Dina
Lego Dina

For a lighter Lego take, you can read Screw You, Sensei Wu.  Lego goes both ways.

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17 thoughts on “All the World’s a Stage

  1. doublewhirler June 2, 2013 / 5:06 pm

    …and the best thing is we all get to benefit from it! I can’t believe you’ve been away from writing for a decade—your posts are so elegant and fluid and addictive!

    Like

    • dhonour June 2, 2013 / 6:48 pm

      Well, you know, there were a couple of kids in there. A few international moves. But I’ve just pulled out a whole load of folders and papers and printed matter from the back end of now-where, so be prepared for some old fiction moves coming your way soon….angsty, twenty-something fiction, what’s not to love? Now, if I could just find a way to read those old floppy disks….(Jaysus, I’m old….)

      Like

  2. twindaddy June 2, 2013 / 5:26 pm

    Finding time for you again after the kids are old enough to be self-sufficient is kind of like seeing again after having been blind for a long time.

    Like

    • dhonour June 2, 2013 / 6:46 pm

      Well put. I always thought calling it ‘free’ time was a bit ironic considering how expensive it was to get someone to look after the kids to get a little down time.

      Like

      • twindaddy June 2, 2013 / 6:49 pm

        Well, that’s what grandparents are for. At least, in my case…

        Like

      • dhonour June 2, 2013 / 7:35 pm

        Biggest downside to being an ex-pat for sure.

        Like

  3. ladyfindhorn June 2, 2013 / 5:38 pm

    You always hit the nail on the head with your writing and I do enjoy it.
    I took a long time to become ‘I’ again after all the children went their separate ways. Now I’m succeeding in not being sucked into the grandmother mode!

    Like

    • dhonour June 2, 2013 / 6:45 pm

      Thank you. I hope that the joy I am “re”-discovering in writing comes through somehow, at least sometimes. It goes hand in hand with rediscovering myself. But you, you should enjoy your grandmother mode–you get to give them back and still have a glass of wine at the end of the night without worrying about being woken up!

      Like

  4. Jeneva June 2, 2013 / 7:57 pm

    this is a lovely post, dina. resonates deeply. thanks for writing.

    Like

    • dhonour June 3, 2013 / 7:27 am

      Thanks, J. I’m going to miss you.

      Like

  5. natalierauch@yahoo.com June 2, 2013 / 9:02 pm

    Well done.

    I especially liked the reference to Jake Ryan in the last post. Ahhhh…., what memories. Did you know that all the John Hughes films were filmed at my high school? My claim to fame.

    Long live Lego Dina!!!!

    N

    Sent from my iPad

    Like

    • dhonour June 3, 2013 / 7:28 am

      Ah, Jake Ryan. Every girl’s first 80s crush. Did you know he’s a carpenter who lives in Pennsylvania now? (Not Jake, but the actor that played him). See what an influence he had on us? Now, if only Lego Dina could babysit the kids….

      Like

  6. keladelaide June 4, 2013 / 5:49 am

    Dina, you have written what I couldn’t put into words. I have only recently taken my first deep breath for myself in 6 years. My belief is everyone should write if only for themselves.

    Like

    • dhonour June 5, 2013 / 8:15 am

      I agree with writing for yourself. Everyone should have something that is just their “me”.

      Like

  7. dianenelson2 June 4, 2013 / 12:07 pm

    Most of us didn’t leave enough breadcrumbs to find our way back – I love that – but you are succeeding, my friend. Excellent post.

    Like

    • dhonour June 5, 2013 / 8:16 am

      As long as we don’t get put in the witch’s oven, I guess we are good. Nowadays I guess you’d have a GPS, but those weren’t around when we started this, were they? ;-).

      Like

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