There were a dozen or so of us in the park, picnicking under a glorious Danish sun. All female, varying ages, enjoying an azure sky; the kind of blue you only see in Copenhagen and only when you are very, very lucky. The kind of Danish summer sky you dream about. Prosecco was poured, toasts were made, sweets were nibbled, savouries savored.
Yesterday, we were ladies who lunch.
Naturally, we immediately stripped down to our filmy, flimsy undergarments and had a pillow fight. We fell about, squealing and giggling like naughty school girls, bare flesh glistening in the summer sun, downy feathers raining down upon us, until we fell, breathless, into a big girly pile and napped, head to belly, in the warm, dappled light.
Of course we didn’t. But I swear to God that’s what every heterosexual male thinks when he hears “I went out for lunch with the girls”. Probably even the homosexual ones too. Maybe in an icky way, I don’t know. But mention a gathering of more than three females and it’s like Porky’s starts to play on a constant loop through the collective male subconscious.
But don’t worry, guys! We didn’t really have a pillow fight. We were too busy popping open champagne bottles and gorging on bon-bons. And then we took turns complaining about our husbands. You know, how they didn’t measure up. You know, measure up. Or alternatively, how they did. We regaled each other with tales of size and width and breadth until we ourselves were out of breath.
Of course we didn’t. We’re not porn stars sitting around on a lunch break talking about job hazards (and there’s a post idea for someone, porn stars and OSHA regulations). In all my years in all my conversations with all my female friends, not one of them has ever mentioned the size of her partner’s equipment. Rest assured guys, it just doesn’t come up. Yes, yes, the pun was intended.
But don’t worry, guys! We didn’t really sit around talking about how size matters. We were too busy talking about spending your money. Prada shoes and Hermes bags and Chanel suits, Oh My! “I’ll show him”, Annie said. “I’ll go out and spend extra $50 on the food shopping!” “You wait and see Henry’s face when I tell him I’m going to double those insurance premiums”, said May. Marjory piped in, “I can’t wait to see the look on his face when I tell him how much it cost to fill the gas tank last week!”. And then we all cackled with glee, adding some eye of newt to our Mimosas.
Of course we didn’t. We’re not really that petty. Speaking of petty…all those times you didn’t empty the dishwasher or take out the trash or help the kids brush their teeth or remember to send your mother a birthday card or fold the Chrysler Building size pile of laundry that was blocking your view of the television? That’s what we really talked about.
Of course we didn’t.
Well maybe the laundry.
It’s a bizarre mental image I’m left with, of scantily clad pillow fighting females emasculating their husbands while talking trash and furiously ordering the latest Chanel bag on their iPhone simultaneously stuffing bon-bons into their mouths, (confession: I’m not even sure what a bon-bon actually is). In fact, my visual skills are so lacking I’m not even sure I can get past the pillow fight bit.
So guys, I’ll let you all in on a secret. As we sat , spread about on picnic blankets and nibbling on raspberries and salad, we cooed over babies. We marveled over the glorious weather, a rarity in Denmark. We feted the birthday girl, and as she was entering a new decade, we regaled her with tales of the wonder of being a woman of a certain age. The talk turned, as it often does with a group of women, to those distinctly female subjects of pregnancy, childbirth and nursing. Birth stories and dilation and mastitis and epidurals. Episiotomies and cracked nipples, IVF, IUI, whoops babies who forever changed lives. Almost born in the car stories (mine), week-long labors (someone else’s).
The only pillows we talked about were nursing ones. Size was mentioned only in relation to children we birthed. The closest we got to porn was talking about the gravity defying ginormity of our former nursing breasts. So guys, don’t worry about us ladies that lunch. We’re trading stories of stitches and pitocin, birth weights and birth control, sleepless nights and temper tantrums, and if you’re a woman of a certain age, how as much as you miss the exhale of a infant’s breath upon your lashes, how glad you are those days are behind you. We’re not talking about you. Or not a lot anyway.
Yesterday there was champagne, it was a birthday after all, but I promise you, we didn’t eat any bonbons.
Of course we didn’t.
Happy Birthday EHS.
Wine and Cheese (Doodles) 
A brilliant bit of writing……. And oh so true! I smiled all the way through reading it. Brava!
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Thank you–the funny thing is, my husband and I have the pillow fight conversation all the time and I’ve been trying to work it into a blog piece for some time now–when the lunch happened yesterday and I realized all we talk about is labor pains and spit up stains, it was like instant ‘bingo!’
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“But I swear to God that’s what every heterosexual male thinks when he hears “I went out for lunch with the girls”.”
Um, not this one…
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Ok, slight exaggeration for effect. You and 10 other hetero men don’t think this ;-). Google pillow fight, see what you get.
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I’m at work….I don’t want to be judged.
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When you get home then. 😉
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Oh, all right.
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That was a great google (if you know what I mean).
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Lol. See?! (Wait…I think I know what you mean!)
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LOVE this … SO right on.
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So, you know, let’s do lunch and a pillow fight soon, ok?
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yes it’s so true. i have regular ladies lunch with my gal pals, in fact (well not lunch) we are off out this evening for some drinkies to celebrate my birthday and YES the conversation will pretty much be about the kids, how annoying their teacher is and why can;’t they ever sit still while eating. However because it’s the evening and booze will be involved the conversation MAY turn into which hot dad at school we’d secretly like to shag…..ha
come only kidding…..mmmm
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Well, there are some famously hot dads in NYC, I’m not surprised! But really, that’s the wine talking.
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Totally agree. Whenever I meet up with women friends my husband always asks afterwards if (a) we talked about him, and (b) we talked about sex. I have to disappoint him – the answer is always no and no. Sometimes we talk about babies, sometimes we talk about our careers, sometimes we talk about books. If he meets up with menfriends, I don’t assume they sit in the pub and talk about boobs they have known.
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But they probably do…talk about boobs they have known ;-). Kidding! They talk about football. At least that’s what my husband claims….
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Thank…..I needed to know she had a wonderful day, missed being with her but am sure now that she WAS IN GOOD COMPANY (EHS’S mom)
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She was. It was a lovely (and lady-like) afternoon. Mostly 😉
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Lol! Funny! Congrats on being FP! 🙂
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Thank you! I have to thank my husband for the inspiration…
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Brilliant! Though I do still like a pillow fight (not at lunch, but good fun at any age).
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Most cathartic, pillow fights, aren’t they? Only at lunch if it’s in a sheet fort in the living room on a rainy day and most of the participants are under 8 years old. 😉
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I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE this!!! I laughed all the way through this. It was so true……I can truthfully relate to the part about what women really talk about! HAHAHAHA…You have an awesome gift as a story teller! Can’t wait to see what you come up with next.
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Thank you so much for the compliment! I have a feeling there were some men that were disappointed by this–all those teenage high school fantasies shot through the heart in one fell post.
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a breath of fresh air and a sassy answer to the men who think that our world is full of them. you had me smiling through your post. congrats on being freshly pressed.
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Thank you so much. With a husband and two young boys, my world actually IS full of men, which is probably why I relish the opportunity to talk to women about epidurals and pedicures every now and again. There are only so many nicknames for testicles I can tolerate.
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hahaha….so true….i need to be with my girl friends to restore my sanctity 😉
you got me grinning again!!
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You’ve unknowingly solved a big mystery for all the men out there!
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I wonder if they really know…but just pretend not to. Thanks so much for reading and taking the time to comment!
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Four women meet at a café for a night out together.
“Ahh!..” sighs one of them
“Ohh!..” echoes another
“Hmmm!..” resonates the third
The fourth lady stands up abruptly:
“We’ve finally managed to get out to have some fun. Is it too much to ask TO STOP TALKING ABOUT YOUR HUSBANDS ALL THE TIME!?”
PS Great post, even though men don’t think this stuff )
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When I was looking for images for the piece, I googled pillow fight. You should see what came up ;-). I’m actually pleased to hear from a male that you don’t think this stuff! Thanks for reading and taking the time to leave a comment, much appreciated!
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I’ve been married for 20+ years. My wife is a clinical psychologist. She knows what I think before I think it. She doesn’t think I think the things you think men think. So, my opinion is certified )))
PS And the pleasure was all mine. Lovely read!
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ha ha! Spot on about lunch and complaining over our men.
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Ssshhh. We won’t be able to drink champagne and eat bon-bons and spend their money if they know the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth!
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Enjoyed reading your blog! And yes, we all have been at that get together somewhere in our lives!
There’s nothing more special than lunch, tea, or whatever we would like to cal, it whatever time we can get together with our friends! Whether it is real or in the cyber world! Friends sustain us and the older i become, the more i realize it!
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The realization of that, of the importance of friends, is only one of the benefits of aging that I have discovered as I myself, age. It is always comforting to be around people you like, who have similar stories and similar experiences and similar tales to tell. As I get older myself, I find more and more of that comfort among women. More ladies, more lunches!
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How clever, and funny, and true.
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Thanks! I’ve been trying to work that damn pillow fight fantasy into a post for a while now, I’m glad I can cross it off my list ;-).
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Very funny piece of writing.
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Thank you very much. I had a lot of fun writing it too!
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Aww this is very inspiring for ladies who need to re-lunch I can write that! Once we get connected…there’s no telling what stories take the lead!
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Thanks, I am glad you enjoyed it. Sometimes I think the only reason women don’t really rule the world is because we don’t want to. ;-). Well, and busy taking care of the other 3,00,000 things!
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Great story… How true! That’s what we talk about at our ladies lunches.
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Thank you. The best part of those lunches is realizing how much we all have in common, even if you have to sometimes read between the lines while we’re stuffing our faces 😉
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Congratulations! I love you and I love this piece! Looking forward to lunching when you reach the States!
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Thanks, Di! Am soooo looking forward to catching up–over lunch, and dinner and other things!
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Reblogged this on ocheanninnis.
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Thanks for the reblog!
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Np problem. I enjoy showing love where its needed.
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How untrue for some women…like me. And remember I grew up with 4 sisters and 1 brother.
Some women like me have relocated several times, that we can’t get together a pile of close female friends and yuck it up.
But honest, that was never my style. I’m best with 1-2 women for several hrs. of chat. We love our partners, but don’t spend time talking much about them. It’s about ourselves how we are body and mind. And no, fashion is something we rarely talk about: it’s rare I see my closest female pals. So it’s catch up on other stuff… with a glass of wine of course, good food and walk or bike ride. D
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We’ve moved a few times too, a couple of overseas moves. In a way I find the friends that you make when you are away from ‘home’ become your friends more quickly and almost more intensely because you are all in the same boat. We didn’t talk about our husbands either, or fashion, or complain during that lunch (maybe a little about the laundry). We talked about babies and children and how wonderful our 40s are. Though we did have some lunchtime champagne ;-). Enjoy your friends and the time you spend with them, friends are one of the best things in life. Thanks for taking the time to comment.
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Loved it!
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Thanks. I actually had a lot of fun writing it. And a lot of fun drinking the champagne at lunch.
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Very funny! Congrats on FP! 🙂
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Thank you!
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Hello, Freshly Pressed led me to your blog, and I absolutely loved this post. I read it while I was in the Metro train; and on numerous occasions had people look at me as if I had lost my mind. Well, I would too, if a stranger sitting next to me on a train would break out into wild and uncontrollable laughter every few seconds. It was a great start to my day, I’ve only been married 8 months, but have oft wondered why my plans with my girl friends seem to be an issue with my husband. In any case, I look forward to reading through more of your blog. Have a wonderful day. 🙂
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Thank you! Where are you riding the Metro? (My husband and I were trying to guess). And congratulations on your recent marriage–stretch out your newlywed years for as long as you can, but embrace the even better ones that are to come. I’m glad I could provide a hearty laugh, as I’ve said in a few other comments here, I’ve been trying to work the pillow fight fantasy into a piece for a while now–it’s a bit of a running joke between my husband and me–it never seems to get old. For him! Hope to see you here again, and thank you!
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I live in New Delhi, India; and usually commute to work here in New Delhi by the metro 🙂
I shall definitely be by often, some of your posts made for very captivating and entertaining reading, and I look forward to more. I’ve only very recently started blogging myself, I’m only 4 posts old, and I’m still getting acquainted with the blogosphere. But it’s wonderful meeting and chatting with people from all over the world.
Also, thank you, my husband and I are definitely enjoying this new phase of our lives. Best to you, and your family. 🙂
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There’s no community in London. No time for lunch just paying tax and going to work. UK lunch consist of going to a mini-supmarket for a meal-deal and eating it at your desk alone. Its horribly wrong!
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No! I love London, it makes me sad to think there’s no time to hang out. All those green spaces and parks and pubs that allow children….You are right, it is horribly wrong. People need to connect to one another, and meals are such a great place to do it. I’m lucky enough that I have the freedom to do it right now, so I am taking advantage. Thank you so much for coming by.
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No kidstalk here, when I go out with my friends … But no talk about males, no spending of money (well, hardly) and no pillow fights either. What do we talk about then? My friends talk about their work … Or about their parents. About their dreams. Now and then I throw in a few words about my cats or my job .. But not kids. Never. We don’t have them – we are german. 😉
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Germans aren’t having kids anymore???? ;-). There are a few German ‘ladies’ on the lunch circuit here, but they like beer over champagne. No, seriously, it’s just a great thing to go out with friends and have a good time, feel comfortable, be yourself. Whether you have a pillow fight or not.
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Remember many such lovely lunches with great women friends made through IWG Copenhagen and their wonderful mother/toddler group – I wonder if it’s still going?? Conversation was varied, but rarely about husbands, but often about where Pampers were on offer! Enjoy many more sunny days!
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Considering how expensive almost everything is in CPH, I’m not surprised that a lot of the talk was focused around where to get the cheapest Pampers! I”m not sure if the group is still running, my little one was slightly older when we moved here. But I know there are a few mother/toddler groups around. They are such a great way to meet people, especially when you are abroad and feel like you a little at sea. Than you so much for taking the time to read and comment, I really appreciate it.
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Mission accomplished…! Or is this the opening bell to summer trading on Dina Stock Exchange? I’ve only had a short read(equipment size!!!), will be back later in the summer for a proper look around. Well done. Very happy for you; Cheers.
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Should I do a double fist pump like my 5 year old? When are you going to write more? I need a poetry fix. Thank you, I’m glad you came to read–but now what am I going to whine and bitch about? Oh, and if there is an IPO this summer, I’ll give yo a few insider trading tips. Let me know when you are back on the blog grid. D
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Like it. Love it! Gotta Have It! Great post and I will be following you in the future you are so witty with your writing. Thanks for a great start to a new day.
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Like Cheerios and orange juice ;-). I wish we could all start all our days with a smile, a laugh, or at least a good piece of news in the paper. Thank you so much for reading and taking the time to comment, I really appreciate it.
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LOL. Brilliant! So true as well. If I had a pound for every time my husband rolled his eyes at the words ‘I had lunch with…. (whilst juggling children, shool runs, paperwork, grocery shopping, holiday arrangements, picking up his dry cleaning etc etc) I’d be well on my way to a nice piece of jewellery!
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My first thought was that you should buy yourself the piece of jewelry anyway (a little present to yourself…), and that the pound is always stronger than the dollar so you may as well take a trip to the US and buy it there. My second was that your husband should definitely be picking up his own dry cleaning ;-). Seriously, though, I am glad you enjoyed it, it was a great piece to write and fun to ‘debunk’ all those ladies who lunch myths (or most of them anyway, there was champagne after all 🙂
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Reblogged this on Disgruntled Citizen and commented:
I read this great post this afternoon not long after writing my own post on gender equality. It just seemed like a nice counterpoint and it’s very amusing.
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Thanks! I am heading over to read the more serious piece as soon as I finish typing this!
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This is great, WINE AND CHEESE (DOODLES). I feel like I just had a ladies lunch with you 🙂
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Are you covered in feathers from our pillow fight? ;-). Please come back for more lunches and discussions!
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Yes, and measuring their size 🙂
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A marvellous piece!
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Thank you! It was a lot of fun to write, I’m so glad you enjoyed it.
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This was absolutely and exactly what I needed to read when I came home tonight – how lovely. It made my smile and tear up a little bit at the same time.
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That’s quite a compliment, thank you. Hope it made you tear up in a good way.
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Congrats on getting FP’d!!!!
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Thanks!!
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funny and a wonderful sentiment – a true lady’s lunch 🙂 Congrats on the FP
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Thank you. A true ladies lunch indeed, though I think if push came to shove, you would be hard pressed to call any of us ‘ladies’ ;-). Thanks for taking the time to read and comment, I really appreciate it!
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And we didn’t even mention a thing about your favorite comment … You know the one, “We’ll, what did you do all day long?” … No! We did not mention that, not once. Not once, no, it never came up…
😉
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Sssh. We both know we all sit around in our pajamas watching bad daytime television until 10 minutes before we pick up the kids from school ;-). It’s our secret though…
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LOL
One day I’m going to write a post: “Women are from Venus, Men are from the used car lot.”
Can’t live with’em, can’t live without ’em! Ugh…
😉
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Let me know when you do, I’d love to swing by and read it 😉
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I’m not really sure what this is, but I am a sucker for alliteration, so there you go.
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Gorgeous! Wasn’t sure where we were headed at first talking about pillow fights! Girl friends are so important and I don’t ‘lunch’ nearly as often as I should. You have inspired me to take the time more often.
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Hooray! More champagne and more lunches with friends! The pillow fight thing is a funny thing. It’s kind of a running joke between my husband and me. “What did you do today?” “Oh you know, naked pillow fight with the moms from school”. “Again???”. ;-). Thanks for all the praise!
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Oh! Great! I never wondered what women in a like-minded women’s group talked about, because I get to hear the proceedings every Saturday when my wife’s group meets for lunch. It is all about children. The cause of the children, the male, is out of the picture. But, if women are interested to know what men talk about, let me tell you, it is not wives, nor other women, nor children. People of my age, early sixties, discuss life’s experience in general. Nothing in particular, because particulars are too many and too varied. Only a generalized extract that comes through trying to make sense of it all is expressed when we meet.
I liked the way you have put the things down here. Immensely enjoyed reading it! But why did you not do all those things that you did not do? They sound pretty harmless. I hope you will do all those. I am sure you will enjoy those.
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Thanks for the insight into the (slightly) older male’s gatherings. It’s nice to know that we all continue to share our experiences in our own ways with our friends. I think it’s how we bond as humans. I too hope to enjoy more champagne lunches in the sun and maybe even one day have an honest to goodness bon-bon ;-). Thank you so much for reading and taking the time to post a comment!
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Oh my word…FUNNIEST. BLOG POST. EVER! I am thrilled that you have been featured on Freshly Pressed and even more thrilled that I summoned some energy after my epic day to spend some well deserved reading time over here. Love it! Bon bons? what bon bons (although in Australia its Tim Tams lol)
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Thank you! It’s a high compliment to hear someone say your work made them laugh after a long day–I really appreciate that. I’m not sure what bon bons really are either. I do however, know my way around a glass or two of champagne…
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That was a very entertaining piece. Well done!
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Thank you, so happy you enjoyed it! Thanks for taking the time to comment as well, I appreciate it!
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Sweet, humorous, and lovely. Thanks for sharing your ladies’ lunch under the beautiful Danish sky.
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Aw, thank you. It really was a lovely day with a lovely group of women. The best thing is that we are in the middle of a move and I was completely and utterly stressed out and having a lunch in the sun made it all go away for a little while.
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Reblogged this on Explore with Payal.
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Thank you!
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🙂
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I loved this! so so true!
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Thank you!
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I love the humor, great read.
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Thanks, I’m so pleased you enjoyed it!
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Reblogged this on GebMama and commented:
Hah! we loved this post! It’s SOoooo Sweet Pum Pum Virtuous!’ Hilariously and (gratefully) Reblogged!
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Thank you. I’m not exactly sure what Pum Pum is-is it like bon-bon? ;-). But seriously, thanks for the reblog!
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LOL! Nope…and yes! It IS like bon-bon! Pum Pum has become distorted, even demonised, hasn’t it – as if there were teeth down there! vagina dentata, anybody?!)
GebMama coined the term ‘Sweet Pum-Pum Live: Virtue Programme’ for a set of creative healing events for women…it’s referenced there in the blog, and we hope you’ll give it a little look, and that it’ll make you smile…we only started blogging three weeks ago, but we wanted to chart the journey to the actual launch since many here in the UK were so ‘upset’ and ‘offended’ by the ‘controversial’ name…they said we were sleazy, because they didn’t get what we are doing (subverting to goodness that which has been spoiled, ie woman-ness in essence)
The value of celebrating the depth and power of feminine energy through doing lovely jubbly-ness together as women was entirely lost on many…but that won’t be for long not for long…it’s all there, especially in our post entitled: ‘A Man in Need, Indeed!’
Enjoy – good to talk – we love your light, tongue-in-cheek style!
All Love
GebMama
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I do think the other topics have their own virtues however 🙂
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Ah, but that’s what dinners out are for! ;-). Just kidding. We all need a vent now and again, sure. Although I maintain, in public, that the size thing is not something that comes up. (There’s that pun again….)
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