Like, Your 40s are Going to be Totally Awesome!

Photo: emmyz.net
Photo: emmyz.net

Michelle Obama recently turned 50 and headlines around the world declared that 50 is the new 40.  Doing the media outlet math, that means that in CNN years, I am really only 33.  Result!  All kidding aside, I enjoy being in my 40s.  Sure, there are bosoms to deal with and middle age spread to contend with. There are the beginnings of aches and pains and myopia and you start to Google strange symptoms on a daily basis.  There’s the Medusa like reality of menopause staring down at me.  But there are plenty of pros too:  wisdom, friendship, being comfortable in your own skin (more or less), more disposable income, better taste in shoes…

Recently a friend and I have been having a “who had the worst hair in high school” contest on Facebook.  Even reading between the Aquanet lines, it was hard to declare a winner.  The 80s were a decade of big hair, bad hair, or in my case, Robert Smith hair.  If you are in your 40s or fast approaching that milestone, chances are that no matter how much you may hate your hair now, it looks better than it did in the 80s.  So, you see?  Another perk of life in your fifth decade.  But this post is not about all that.  This post is about the one perk you I bet you haven’t thought about.

We would, like, totally kick ass in a nuclear holocaust or a zombie apocalypse.

Think about it.  Not only did most of us watch The Day After and take notes, but there are plenty of tubular things about growing up in the 80s that would serve us well should we ever have to sift through the rubble of an atomic fallout or fend off brain-slurping, undead ex boyfriends.

Photo: Wikipedia.com
Photo: Wikipedia.com

McGyver.  How many times did you tune into McGyver or The A Team and watch them create explosives out of a shoe box, a bobby pin and some baking soda?  Or open tins with a twig?  Set a successful trap with a sock and a prayer?  These are skills that would come in handy during even a generic apocalypse, never mind a zombie one.

John Hughes.  Repeated watchings of the entire John Hughes oeuvre would make delegation a snap.  If you grew up in the 80s, setting up a hierarchy of jocks, princesses, athletes, basket cases, and brains would be—-well, a no-brainer.  Need someone to build a radio out of tin foil and scrap metal?  Where’s the brain!  Need someone to use as bait to draw those zombie suckers in?  Where’s Ally Sheedy when you need her?

CFCs.  If you ever kept a can of Aquanet or Stiff Stuff in your locker for between class touch ups, you know the power of hairspray.  If you ever had a girlfriend who used so much Rave you could taste it over her Bonnie Bell when you kissed her, you know how potent that stuff is.  A can of Aquanet and a lighter can go a long way, my friend.

Rotary telephones, typewriters and checkbooks.  If you’re in your 40s, you’ve lived a big part of your life without ‘technology”, (barring Walkman and the Commodore 64)  Think about what this means.  While a group of young guns is struggling to find their way, not knowing how to navigate without their GPS or Google Map, we could, oh, I don’t know, stop and ask directions.

Photo: themirror.co.uk
Photo: themirror.co.uk

Optimistic Realism.  If you are currently in or approaching your 40s, you grew up in a generation in which anything was possible, by working for it.  No relying on nepotism or reality television shows or expectations of entitlement.  No Mom and Dad arguing for a better grade on your behalf, no cell phones to get you out of a jam.  You had to think on your feet on the playground, write a decent essay to get into college, interview for a job in person.  Common sense and accepting responsibility will  be key components to surviving the coming of the Walking Dead.

Twiddling Thumbs.  In between battles for supremacy, there are going to be long stretches of nothing to do but sit around and watch the paint dry.  If you’re in your 40s, you’re used to boredom.  Remember, we only had 5 or 6 television channels.  And no internet.  We’ve done it before, we can do it again. We are ok with long stretches of watching the clouds go by.

The Clapper.  Think of the confusion this could cause.  Lights on. Lights off.  All as if by magic.  The undead wouldn’t know if it was Night of the Living Dead, Day of the Living Dead or what.

Brain Power.  If you can solve a Rubik’s cube, outrunning a zombie herd is no biggie.

University of Life.  Maybe that Bachelor’s degree in Sociology won’t help right away, but a BA  from the 80s/early 90s has got to be the equivalent of a Masters today.  Someday, when the fallout dust has settled and society is ready to be rebuilt, they’re going to be looking for smarty pants like us.  Maybe not sociologists and women’s studies majors, but that Liberal Arts degree could just come in handy.

Longevity.  If you grew up in the 80s, you’ve seen so many fads and trends come and go that you are wary of anything that promises instant results.  Le Disc, Chia Pets, 3 card monty, parachute pants, neon, Ponzi schemes.  So when someone comes up and offers you a device that can track zombie movement, or detect fallout radiation, you’re going to take them with a grain of McGyver-made salt.

Transportation.  If you grew up before seatbelts, you know the correct way to ride in the back of a pick-up truck without falling out.  You could also quite easily utilize unorthodox methods of transportation to outrun zombies and/or ash clouds:  roller skates, Big Wheels, Huffies and BMX racers.  Green machines.

Psychology.  You’d be surprised what you learned and retained from all those Afterschool Specials.  You never know when being able to spot which survivor was suffering from an eating disorder, who came from a divorced family, whose dad was a secret alcoholic might come in handy.  Knowledge is Power.

Breakfast club

Go out in Style.  If you’re minutes away from being caught by a zombie mob and having your brain sucked out of your eye sockets, you have the ability to go out in style.  Commandeer a parade float and sing Danke Schoen at full volume.  Perform a previously impossible lift at the end of a dance routine. Cycle across the moon.  As You Wish.

So you see, though sometimes the thought of getting older makes you maudlin, makes you contemplate your mortality, makes you start counting down your days on this mortal coil, there is plenty to be thankful for.  I promise, you will like, totally, be okay.

And, if all else fails, you can Just Say No.

Thanks to Goldfish for the Zombie Apocolypse idea,  Mrs. DW for reminding me that “kids, girls in particular, have been told that they can grow up to be whatever they want to be—they’ll just have to work really hard to get there. Empowering kids isn’t new. What’s changed is that the second part of the message has disappeared”  And to Betsy for highlighting the “hair” in Harum Scarum.

And a very Happy Birthday to several of you whom I know are fast approaching that 40 year old mile marker.

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23 thoughts on “Like, Your 40s are Going to be Totally Awesome!

  1. Elyse January 18, 2014 / 11:47 pm

    I will be toast when the zombie apocalypse starts. Because I am 57. today. I didn’t watch any of those 80s shows (and I don’t think that I learned anything at all from Love Boat that would help). Perhaps I should just donate my awesome brain to science now so that my son and his generation — the kids born in the 90s — will have something to eat.

    Like

    • dhonour January 19, 2014 / 9:02 pm

      That’s a shame, Elyse. I like you ;-). Although I am sure that we can find some Captain Stubbing wisdom that would come in handy. And a belated Happy Birthday!

      Like

      • Elyse January 19, 2014 / 11:29 pm

        Tanks. Maybe when the zombies come I can hide behind you?

        Like

    • El Guapo January 21, 2014 / 11:18 pm

      The Love Boat taught me that a drink with an umbrella and two thumbs up really can cause true love to happen.
      And that men shouldn’t wear ironed shorts.

      Like

      • Elyse January 21, 2014 / 11:31 pm

        Valuable lessons, both.

        I was sick in the 1980s. I always knew it was time to call the doctor when I could sit through (remember TV before remotes?) The Love Boat AND Charlie’s Angels. I knew I was seriously sick …

        Like

  2. Twindaddy January 19, 2014 / 12:37 am

    “or in my case, Robert Smith hair.”

    Pics, or it didn’t happen.

    Like

    • dhonour January 19, 2014 / 9:01 pm

      There are pics somewhere on here!

      Like

      • Twindaddy January 19, 2014 / 9:20 pm

        Oh? I must have missed them.

        Like

  3. katlinfox January 19, 2014 / 3:23 am

    I like your emphasis on mortality and the concept that the older we get the more we are like survivors. I do believe my education is worth a bit more from the fact it took place in a different decade. It is so important to be satisied with our current ages and not worry about trivial vanities like appearing younger.

    Like

    • dhonour January 19, 2014 / 9:07 pm

      I think our education was worth more too–and it’s not a ‘why’ that I can put my finger on, it’s just that it was an achievement, not an expectation, to get a degree. I think that colleges have been dumbed down to make room for everyone–and boy, does that make me sound like a pompous elitist, but I don’t think everyone should go to college. It’s a waste of time, energy, resources and money to lead everyone down a garden path. Ok, bit of a rant there! But yes, the more experience and wisdom you garner in life the better you are (generally) at adapting, and thus, surviving. Phew!

      Like

  4. Natalie Wilhelm January 19, 2014 / 9:49 am

    Why thank you miss Dina. Yup, about summed it up for me.

    You forgot the…… this is your brain. This is your brain on drugs. Any questions??

    Personal fave. I’m sure it came on mud way through after school special while I was home by myself in third grade eating hostess cupcakes and flipping back and forth between he-man.

    N

    Sent from my iPhone

    >

    Like

    • dhonour January 19, 2014 / 7:15 pm

      Oh yes, the old PSA. I miss PSAs. And SchoolHouse Rock. I will never forget what a conjunction is because of Conjunction Junction. See, now I missed out on the latch key kid survival mechanisms. If you could survive your third grade year on Hostess cupcakes, there’s not much you won’t be able to do during a zombie apocalypse.

      Like

  5. Maria January 19, 2014 / 3:30 pm

    Dear Lord….I haven’t laughed this hard in a while! I must share this with all my 40-ish friends I graduated with in 1980! Keep it coming, Wine and Cheese!!

    Like

    • dhonour January 19, 2014 / 7:12 pm

      Please do! And then they can tell two friends and they tell two friends…and so on and so on. ;-). I’m glad you liked it. It’s one of the types of post I have a lot of fun writing, and am happy that fun came through!

      Like

  6. cherryreads January 19, 2014 / 5:33 pm

    So much nostalgia! But what made me laugh: wasn’t there an episode of Kirstie Alley’s show where she wanted the lights out when she was naked, but there was spanking and …The Clapper?

    Like

    • dhonour January 19, 2014 / 7:11 pm

      Lol, I never saw it, but it sounds about right. Ah, the Clapper. It’s amazing it didn’t catch on overseas!

      Like

    • dhonour January 19, 2014 / 9:08 pm

      Like, thanks. And thanks for the idea!

      Like

  7. doublewhirler January 20, 2014 / 3:45 am

    Thanks for the reminders of the upside of aging and wisdom that hopefully accompanies it (and the “shout out” as the kids say these days—or perhaps used to say?) Such a very good point about watching the fads come and go—no wonder we’re not so quick to be early adopters…mini-disks anyone? When the zombies come for me, I’ll be hunkered down with my ancient iPod and my reruns of Magnum, P.I.

    Like

    • dhonour January 25, 2014 / 10:24 am

      Magnum, P.I. I admit, I’d forgotten all about Magnum, though my mother watched it religiously. But all those detective shows, surely they would count for something. I mean, sure, the 72 different CSI franchises have taught us how to test for DNA on the go, but The Scarecrow and Mrs. King? Hart to Hart? Remington Steele? Tales of the Gold Monkey? There were LIFE LESSONS somewhere in there. I think…

      Like

  8. El Guapo January 21, 2014 / 11:19 pm

    And if all the other strategies don’t work, we can always make their heads explode with some astoundingly awful 80s music.

    Like

    • dhonour January 25, 2014 / 10:22 am

      I’ll still take some of the astoundingly awful 80s stuff over some of the astoundingly banal paint by numbers stuff of today. C’mon, there were some gems in there, admit it.

      Like

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