Re: Human Relations
Please note effective immediately the new policy regarding inter familial discourse. Referee, mediator and judicial services are henceforth terminated. For injuries requiring stitches or in cases of extreme blood loss or compound fractures, applications for emergency room transport can be submitted in writing. In instances when the injured party has not yet mastered fine motor skills, verbal requests may be considered.
Re: Laundering Services
Please note new policy regarding laundry services. All items will be laundered in the state in which they are found, including but not limited to: inside out, half in/half out, balled, crumpled, underwear still inside pants. Said items shall remain as such. Only items deposited in provided receptacle will be laundered.
Re: Transfer Requests
Please note empty coffee cup transferral services are no longer offered at this location. To make this transition as smooth as possible, attached please find a map of the dishwasher in relation to where said empty coffee cup is most often found.
Re: Sick Leave
Effective immediately, all applications for extended sick leave must be approved by the Mom-agement. Please note that exhaustion due to staying up late, dawdling, or extreme early wakings are not valid excuses for sick day requests. Pre-approved requests include: vomiting, broken limbs, fevers above 100/37.7, and open, oozing sores.
Re: Austerity Measures
Please note that it has been determined that the aggregate worth of currently owned Lego sets is approaching college tuition or down payment levels. All expenditure is hereby suspended until further notice.
Re: Catering Services
In re: catering services, substitutions are not permitted. Staff takes reasonable measures to insure that meals meet minimum dietary requirements and can no longer be held responsible for personal likes and dislikes.
Re: Hazardous Materials
Please note due to updated health code regulations, the following items now fall under the category of hazardous materials: small pieces of Lego, Nerf weaponry and ammunition, dislocated and decapitated action figure parts, sticks, rocks, sharp pieces of rusty metal collected for unknown reasons. Reasonable effort should be used to contain said items. Effective immediately, removal of hazardous material will be undertaken by The Mom-agement. Said materials shall be removed to a centralized location, henceforth referred to as ‘the box’. The Mom-agement retains sole discretion as to if and when items may be retrieved from ‘the box’.
Re: Office Space
Please note due to the current open office plan, it is imperative that reasonable effort is made to maintain clean and comfortable working conditions for all. For these purposes, clean and comfortable shall herein be described as: floors free of clothing, books, and other general tripping hazards; shoes, coats and backpacks placed within the provided areas; consideration of others using the communal bathroom and kitchen facilities. Items which are not claimed by the end of the working day will be removed to ‘the box’. (See: above)
Re: Contract Negotiations
Please note that all due consideration will be given to reasonable requests. (Please note that The Mom-agement has sole discretion as to what is deemed reasonable.) Requests for upgraded technology (iProducts), changes in working hours (later bedtimes), additional office supplies (Lego) will be taken under advisement.To: Family
Re: Benefit Package
The Mom-agement undertakes responsibility for the following: a (reasonably) maintained working environment, three meals and two snacks per weekday (Mom-agement has discretion to opt for catering on weekends), clean uniforms (see laundry memo above), transportation services, non-emergency medical triage, recital attendance, tutoring, tooth fairy, and Santa Claus. Standard benefit package includes: health insurance, college tuition plan, allowance, vacation days, birthday parties, play dates. Non-standard additional benefits include: counseling services, alternative medicine (hugs, kisses and judicious application of Neosporin), gym membership (the park across the street), hydrotherapy coverage (unlimited bath time), science project oversight in addition to a lifetime guarantee of unconditional love.If you should have any questions or concerns, please take it up with The Mom-agement. Suggestions can be placed in the receptacle under the sink (herein referred to as ‘the garbage can’).