Alone time (noun): A closely guarded state of being in which you are able to sit quietly for more than three consecutive minutes without anyone requesting anything of you. As in: I would sell a kidney for some alone time. See: Fantasy, Alternate Reality
Attachment parenting (noun): Conducting daily life with a child attached to a parental body part, barnacle like; in the way of a parasitic twin. As in: No, I can’t remember the last time I showered alone.
Cash Cow (noun): The slow-moving, somewhat docile state of acceptance upon realizing that your children at times view you as a walking, talking ATM machine. As in: No, you can’t just get money from the machine in the wall, that’s not how it works.
Dinner Reservations (noun): The hesitation to try anything new at mealtimes due to resignation that your child/ren will inevitably pick out anything healthy, declare their intention not to eat a single bite, apply negative terms based solely on appearance, or all of the above. As in: I’ll just make grilled cheese sandwiches again, it’s easier that way.
Drop and Go (verb): The act of leaving clothing, toys, wrappers, apple cores, empty bowls and other personal items exactly where they fall. As in: Oh, there’s a trash can/laundry hamper/toy box? I didn’t realize. See also Turning a Blind Eye.
Finish Line (noun): Can be bedtime or college, dependent upon where you are on the parenting continuum. As in: Do I have to wait until the kids go to be before I open that second bottle of wine?
Hunger Games (noun): The art of cooking a balanced meal which includes at least one ingredient everyone will eat in the short space of time between afternoon snack and the fifteen minutes before dinner is ready during which children start rummaging through fridge and cupboards declaring their bodies are now in starvation mode. As in: Don’t eat that, dinner is almost ready! Yes, you can pick out the tomatoes!
I Don’t Know How She Does It Syndrome (noun): The collective mistrust of the one mother who bakes, cooks, cleans, chaperones, volunteers, crafts, works out, showers, works, sleeps and has frequent sex with her husband without ever complaining. As in: I don’t know how she does it. Chances are, she doesn’t.
iPad (noun): A home full of cabling and gadgetry resulting in the inability to be away from phone for more than 30 minutes at a time. As in: My phone’s out of battery, but I can message you from my iPad while I’m waiting to load the server on my Mac.
Life Fairy (noun): Magical, mythical creature who provides food, clothing, and clean shelter for those who reside within. Often remembers birthday cards and gifts, vaccination schedules, and baked goods for special days. See also: Mom
Multiple Personality Syndrome (noun): The sometimes schizophrenic behavior children display at home versus what they show the rest of the world. As in: At parent teacher conferences they told me Billy was shy and quiet in class. Was she talking about the same kid?
Peer to Peer Network (noun): Instant messaging, texting, Instagram, Snapchat, Vine and the seventy-two other ways that teens have to communicate with and embarrass each other in the public forum. As in: Facebook is for old people
Show and Tell (noun): The nagging, low-level fear that your child will eventually spill something embarrassing and/or untrue about you/your family during class time. As in: When the teacher asked Johnny what Mom did all day he told her ‘nothing’.
Teddy Bear Picnic (noun): The phenomenon of trying to one-up the next parent by devising elaborate ways the kindergarten class bear can spend its weekend with you. As in: Do you think we need to schedule something fun for the weekend that Teddy Eddie spends with us?
Turning a Blind Eye (verb): The act of willfully ignoring the clutter and debris field which results from Drop and Go policies. As in: What? What mess?
Weapons of Mass Destruction (noun): Lego. Specifically the small, sharp bits that find their way into your pockets, clog your washing machine, stuff up your vacuum hose and embed themselves in the soft underbelly of your sole. Or soul, depending on how you want to look at it. As in: Those f*&$ing plastic bricks are everywhere!
X Factor (noun): The eventuality that no matter how much your kids have, someone else is always going to have more, leading to begging, pleading and hyperbolic threats of life ending consequences. As in: Please, please can I have the iPhone 10? Everyone else does. YOU.ARE.RUINING.MY.LIFE.