Listen…you’ve been there for me since the very beginning. Right from the time I poured myself a glass of third-trimester/doctor approved wine you’ve been hanging around. Remember the time I was pregnant and had a hankering for soft, unpasteurized cheese? You made sure I knew you were there for me.
The first time I poured a bottle of formula I knew we were going to be a thing.
There was the time I had to make a decision about whether or not to go back to work. Do you remember? You told me you’d stick by me regardless of my choice. And boy, did you ever! You made sure I wasn’t by myself when I hired a babysitter even though I didn’t technically need one. Those times I’ve carved out some “me” time you made sure I wasn’t alone.
You were chock full of information. Why, I wouldn’t be able to talk about hot dog nitrates if it weren’t for you. You were full of romantic ideas too: hand crafted baby books bound in leather and organic cotton crib sheets. A warmer for baby wipes.
Mom Guilt, you’ve always been there: for the one assembly I didn’t make it to and that one time I chose lunch with friends over sitting in on another toddler violin lesson. In fact, the violin lessons were your idea in the first place. You shadowed me whenever I skipped over the expensive organic fruit and opted for the cheaper stuff. Soy? Almond? Skim? Whole? Plastic, microwaves, television, McDonald’s, high fructose corn syrup, BPA. You made sure I kept up with all the news.
You were there for me all those times we didn’t have any vegetables to go with dinner. You sat right next to me all those sunny days when the kids were watching television. You got my back whenever I wavered about whether or not to let them use the iPad for ‘just one more game‘.
Birthday parties, goodie bags, cakes shaped like anthropomorphic animals. Homemade play dough, glitter, crafts that cost more than they would to buy. Hellish holidays, tooth fairy extortion, keeping up with the Santa Clauses. You were there for them all.
Oh, I know I’m not the only one. I know you get around. I’ve heard the rumors. I didn’t want to believe them of course. Think of the children, I told myself. Surely it’s the children who will suffer if we break up. But I couldn’t ignore it any more. The evidence of your philandering is all over Facebook and Twitter.
We’ve been together a long time, you and me. It’s hard to imagine my life without you. But we’ve grown apart, Mom Guilt. I don’t think we’re good for each other anymore. In fact, we probably never were. I don’t see it going anywhere me and you. I think we’re through.
If you’re lonely, go and check out Pinterest. It’s like Tinder for Mom Guilt. I’m sure you’ll find someone else in no time.
If it makes you feel any better, it’s not me, it’s you.
See you around.