My husband has a conspiracy theory about sex. It involves small groups of women meeting in secret, possibly with capes–maybe cauldrons and eyes of newt–to concoct new and exciting ways to avoid sex.

It’s simply not true. Cauldrons are far too difficult to find these days.

Married women with kids get a pretty bad rap when it comes to sex. Ok, some of it is probably deserved, but I’m betting we talk about sex far more than people think. We’re not trading nitty-gritty details, but we joke about it. A lot. I promise you we’re not coming up with ways to beat around the bush (see what I did there? A sex pun!). That said, even though we’re not drinking lattes and secretly plotting sex avoidance tactics on cappuccino stained napkins, there are things you may be surprised by, things like the complicated, mathematical equations most women do in their head when sex is involved. For instance:

The number of minutes of physical contact to reach a mutually satisfactory result multiplied by the statistical likelihood of a child waking up plus the time remaining until the new GoT episode airs = statistical chance of getting lucky on a non-birthday Tuesday.

Some equations are far more straight forward:

Sex in the morning = NO sex in the evening (so don’t ask) 

There’s also a complex points earned system–think of it like a league table in fantasy sports–going on in our heads at any given time. I call it Tit for Tat. It goes something like this:

Point = Nightly pass = time spent on the couch with a bag of chips and a book, no expectation of employment (as the running joke in our house goes, if an act contains the word ‘job’, it shall be considered work)

Regular, run of the mill sex = 1 night pass, no expectation of physical contact beyond an optional good-night kiss

Lingerie and heels sex = 2 night pass, special consideration given for occasions such as birthdays or anniversaries

Introduction of battery operated equipment = 3 night pass, but no negative consequences for inquiries, statistical likelihood of success good if third night coincides with an occasion such as birthday or anniversary

Viewing of outside media source, print or video = 4 night pass, no expectation of physical contact, special considerations not accepted

Lingerie + props = 2 night free pass, plus no mention of lingerie for at least one month

Lingerie + props + outside media on a non specific occasion = Girl’s weekend

High heels + batteries + in-date dairy products = 2 night free pass + dinner out

Afternoon delight with lingerie + outside media = Girl’s weekend + 1 night pass

All of the above = Minimum 1 week free pass with no special considerations given

Giving birth to your child = Minimum of 12 Week free pass. 6 weeks of Doctor approved sex furlough, 3 weeks of everything is still sore and swollen don’t touch me and another 3 weeks of anything that is even remotely connected to me possibly having to push another baby out of my lady parts ain’t gonna happen. Unlucky for you if birthday falls in that quarter, sorry.

A while back, a man famously documented his wife’s reasons as to why she didn’t want to have sex. He then input them into spreadsheet format (because, let me tell you, nothing is as sexy as a spreadsheet) and posted it online for all to see. I bet what he wasn’t aware of though was his wife’s personal tit for tat system. Maybe wallet sized, laminated cards would help?

I’ll look into it. Right now I’m off to meet some friends for cauldr..I mean coffee. Coffee! Where’d I put my cape anyway??

 

Disclaimer: No actual relationships were harmed in the writing of this post. This tongue in cheek message brought to you by Wine and Cheese (Doodles) and Tit for Tat Point System, trademark pending. (See what I did there? A sex pun!). If you enjoyed, please share. 🙂