I don’t travel as much as many do. That said, I’ve spent a fair amount of time taxi-ing and learning the correct position to use if I hear “Brace. Brace.” I’ve spent plenty of woman hours hurtling through the air with a bunch of strangers, angling for arm space and eking out some elbow room. Between zoning out during the oxygen mask demo and listening for that blessed announcement asking the flight crew to prepare for landing, there’s been time enough to observe. People are creatures of habit, and there are behaviors you’ll recognize wherever you are.
I’m just doing my job taking notes.
Clueless Clive. It’s clear Clive hasn’t flown since the end of the Cold War. Unused to security measures put into place sometime in the last century, Clive mumbles and bumbles his way through the airport. Despite written, pictorial and holographic directives, Clive is astounded when he is asked to remove his belt, watch, loose change, shoes and the forty travel size bottles of gels and liquids he is carrying in his pockets. He reluctantly removes the offending items, one at a time, blithely unaware of the snaking line of passengers impatiently tapping their shoe-less feet behind him.
Overstuffed Olivia. Olivia stands at the check-in desk moving dirty underwear from suitcase to carry-on, from carry on to purse, shoving and stuffing and rolling to reconfigure her bags because they are .03 of a kilo overweight. Watching Olivia sweat and struggle as her dirty knickers fall to the floor is almost enough to take pity. Almost.
Reclining Ron. Ron thrusts backward immediately upon taking his seat. And there his seat remains, making it impossible to use your tray table, view your video screen, or feel anything below your knees. Ron’s further attempts at comfort include ramming his body repeatedly against his seat back resulting in spilled drinks, crucial bits of movies missed due to the angle of your screen and the very real possibility of developing deep vein thrombosis.
Screw-the-Rules Sal. Sal marches on board with a carry-on three times bigger than most suitcases, a duty-free bag, and a didgeridoo (true story) and then gets pissy when there’s no room in the overhead lockers. He keeps his seat reclined and his tray table down until the flight attendant has to come by and ask him to comply. He openly uses his electronics upon take off and landing. He probably doesn’t even set them to airplane mode. He’s up before the seatbelt signs go off, develops an urgent need to use the toilet during turbulence, and generally seems to enjoy making life slightly uncomfortable for everyone else around him.
Frank and Fran, the Freaked-out Parents. Frank and Fran are so worried they’ll be given the evil eye by their fellow passengers they spend the entire flight loudly making sure you know they are ON TOP OF IT. “Are you ready for the wild rumpus, Freddie? Are you? Is daddy’s Freddie ready for the rumpus? Ok, here we go. Ready? Fran, where’s the snack?? Oh no, we don’t kick the seat. No, no, we wouldn’t the nice woman in front to get upset. Here, have some Cheerios.” If you listen closely, in-between the lines of exaggerated hushes and pleas to stop eating Cheerios off the floor, you can hear their desperate cries for understanding.
Life-story Lena. Lena is lovely. She is going to see her family on a trip she’s been looking forward to for ages and ages. Her friend Madge told her which travel agent to use, (that nice place on the corner of Pine and Main, they sure gave her a good deal!). You know all of this before the plane starts to taxi down the runway. Lena is happy and smiley and full of memories and stories. And she wants to share Every.Single.One.Of.Them.With.You. Lena is not put off by sleep masks, headphones, hints of communicable diseases or the obvious fact that you are a mere twenty pages from finishing your who-dun-it.
Jiggling Jules. Jules is up and down the entire flight: to get his book, to use the toilet, to put his book away, to get his antacid pills. Every time Jules rises or falls, he holds on to the back of the seat in front in a Viking death hold. The seat ricochets like a pinball. Inevitably, Jules will need the toilet just as you are nodding off or be struck by a sudden desire to retrieve his word search book as you are about to take a sip of your drink.
Must.Be.First.Off. Mike. You know Mike. As soon as the plane touches down he’s got his finger on the seat belt release. As soon as the gate is in sight you hear the unmistakable sound of the metallic release. Mike is up and out of his seat, hand luggage in hand before the doors to manual cross check is complete. If getting off the plane first is a race, it’s one that Mike isn’t going to lose. Even if it means taking out a few grannies and toddlers on his way.
Ice-cold Irene. Irene takes her position as a flight attendant very, very seriously. Never have the words “sir” or ‘ma’am” sounded quite as cold as when they come out of Irene’s mouth. She’s off like a shot if someone is up before the captain has turned off the fasten seatbelt sign. No tray table is left unturned on Irene’s watch. No sir. Irene makes “stow your bags and put your seat in a full upright position” sound chilling and ominous. There is evidence Irene “accidentally on purpose” knocks into stray elbows and knees with her trolley. And takes great pleasure in it.
Sat next to anyone like that recently? I thought so.
May the skies stay friendly, folks. And the passengers too.
I’ve had great fun with these ‘Nine X You’ll Meet” posts–so much so that I’ve decided to make them a semi-regular series. You can find the rest of them under the Nine Lives heading on the blog. Ideas of something you’d like to see? Leave a note in the comments below! x
Wine and Cheese (Doodles) 
Getting ready for another trip, wonder which one it will be this time? I’ve met them all. You forgot to mention “BO Bob”… Also, just noticed the “Goose” reference…nice touch.
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Thanks for noticing–I like to change it up every now and again. Last time it was a Grease reference and before that a Duran Duran one. Not that you can guess my age by all of those ;-). There’s definitely room for another nine for sure. Drooling Dan, Urusula the arm rest usurper….
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Reblogged this on Aviation News Daily.
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“Talk to me, Goose…” Nice…would like to hear more about your trip to Iceland! Have always wanted to visit there. Listening to some Swedish music now here in Germany, about as close as I can get. Looking forward to not getting on a plane anytime soon, myself. – Bill
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Iceland was….AMAZING. You must go. It’s like no place I’ve ever been–the landscape changed every 25 miles, from lava fields to alpine like valleys to geysers steaming in the middle of a field. It was like Middle Earth. I kept expecting a hobbit to jump out at me. (Though I admit to moments of panic and anxiety that we would all die there and no one would know). Should I post some pictures you think? I’ll try and think of some text to go with it :-).
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Yes, would love to hear more – especially about the Middle Earth. Felt some of that recently on Austrian mountain passes, good business. Glad you had a good time, inspiring me to go myself. Cheers Dina!
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I was on a business trip with a co-worker last year. Turned out she was an Overstuffed Olivia. She was over weight for her checked bag: “Hold, on,” she said, “let me just take out my make-up bag.” And no sh*t, it was the 5lbs she needed to not pay the overage fee. Five pounds! Of make up. I can’t even imagine.
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I’ve seen all of the above. Oh and a guy who fell asleep on my shoulder with no shame.
air travel brings out the worst in people!
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Was he snoring too? That would have just taken the cake ;-). Honestly though, I think the way people are treated in airports (especially at some I’ve been to in the U.S.), basically like terrorist cattle herded through and made to feel like they are doing something wrong, all of that makes air travel a very stressful experience. Even when everything goes right it’s not exactly fun. Unless you’re in 1st class of course!
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Fortunately no snoring. Border control and TSA are no fun, but I read that now you can review US government agencies on yelp! That should make for interesting reading 🙂
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How about the nine people you meet at a PTA meeting??!
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Ha. I just replied on the FB page too. I’d need to be very, very careful. Some of my very best friends are PTA parents…;-). I myself am notorious for never joining the actual meeting parts. Not sure I’ve actually spent enough time to observe! But making a note!
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I’m always behind Reclining Ron. But someday, maybe I’ll be lucky enough to sit beside Dina and share travel stories?
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Ah..but how do you know I’m not a Life Story Lena? ;-). I could bore you through a trans-atlantic flight.
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They should get rid of reclining seats in economy.
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I know. I never recline mine. Even when the person in front of me does.
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Reblogged this on Wine and Cheese (Doodles) and commented:
Must.Be.First.Off. Mike. You know Mike. As soon as the plane touches down he’s got his finger on the seat belt release. As soon as the gate is in sight you hear the unmistakable sound of the metallic release. Mike is up and out of his seat, hand luggage in hand before the doors to manual cross check is complete. If getting off the plane first is a race, it’s one that Mike isn’t going to lose. Even if it means taking out a few grannies and toddlers on his way.
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My worst experience was on a midnight flight from Gabon to France. I had a lovely window seat, lovely until a man claimed the aisle seat and all the space around it. He immediately took off his shoes – pugh! – and spread his papers on the seat between us, and on the floor in front of him. Then he reclined his seat and began snoring. For the entire flight. His breath smelled like a cross between whiskey and vomit. I had to cover my face with a scarf. There were no empty seats on the plane, except the one between us.
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Imagine if he’d been sitting right next to you! Armrest fighters are the worst too. There’s always a scramble to claim your armrest space. I’m so used to traveling with my kids that I don’t think about it anymore because we sprawl all over one another. On the rare instances when I do fly by myself, all the annoyances are highlighted!
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This is great – gave me a good laugh. I’m sure I have come across a variety of all of these characters in our time spent on a plane!
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I think I’ve BEEN most of them at one point or another ;-).
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And this is why my husband and I are going on a 2 thousand mile train trip next month.
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I expect to see 9 People You Meet on a Train in a few months then. Enjoy your trip!
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I laughed sooooo hard! Another great post!
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Thanks! 5 years worth of blog posts, I’ve been revisiting some older ones over the summer while the new content grinds to a halt ;-).
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A lot of people in Denmark called Mike methinks.
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I love this series! What about the ‘Panicky Pamela’ (aka the nervous flyer!). That would be me!
I don’t really add a blog link in my comments, but this is such an important one 🙂
My post as I go on a plane!
https://anintrovertedblogger.com/2017/02/26/nervous-flyer-just-a-tad/
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