If it takes roughly 10,000 hours to become a master of something, then I am approaching Yoda levels of parenting. While I’ve been racking up those Master Jedi mothering skills, I’ve come across a few doozies along the way. Most of us dangle a finger or toe in the waters of stereotype. Many have had moments of helicoptering and spent days worrying about our toddler’s unwillingness to share the slide, but sometimes you come across a mom or two who truly lives up to the hype.
To paraphrase my beloved Dr. Seuss, Oh, the Moms you’ll (Meet on the) Go!
Liar, Liar Lil
Lil’s kids never act up. They eat whatever she makes and clean their plates. They make their own beds, separate their whites from darks, and donate to charity responsibly. They ask for salads with their dinner and stop after one bite of desert. They do their homework without reminding, wake up without an alarm and never give her a hard time. They never fight, always play together nicely. They slept through the night at 2 weeks, take 3 hour naps, and still, at ten and fourteen, sleep 12 hours a night. They don’t play video games and entertain themselves quietly on weekend mornings with literature classics. Liar, Liar Lil just can’t understand what all the fuss is about.
Sun Shines Sam
Don’t be fooled. Sun Shines Sam isn’t called that because she’s full of unicorns and magic and all things sparkly and rainbow. No, Sun Shines Sam firmly believes that the sun shines out of her child’s ass. The offspring of S.S.S. Can.Do.No.Wrong. No matter what Sissy or Sparky Sun Shines do, it’s always someone else’s fault. No one truly understands how special Sissy and Sparky truly are. No one except Sam, that is.
Bad Mom Barbara
Despite the moniker, Bad Mom Babs isn’t a bad mom at all. She just likes to call herself that. Maybe it’s to set herself apart from Cupcake Carol and the Crafty Crew. Bad Mom Babs has a four page anti-Pinterest resume she carries around as proof of her lack of “good mom” skills like baking, making, and multi-tiered caking. She makes fun of the PTA, the sports moms and the Buffy and the Bake Sale Gals, but if you cross her kid….watch out–bad will take on a whole new meaning.
At any given time, Calamity Claire has one child sick at home, another in a cast and yet another being suspended from school. But while it’s sometimes true the temperature of Claire’s luck is hovering near the freezing point, Calamity Claire is a walking, talking self-fulfilling prophecy. Claire is convinced there’s some a bad MoJo juice-box in her diaper bag. Claire believes she’s incapable of catching a break unless it’s a compound fracture. Thing is, Calamity Claire will often seek out the negative in any given situation and claim it, just to prove she’s the unluckiest Mom of all.
Activity Anne spends her life chauffeuring her kids to and from sports practice, lute lessons, Kumon classes and Mandarin matriculation. She keeps a cooler in the trunk with sandwiches and juice boxes for a family always on the go. From 6am swim times to 8pm ice hockey games, Anne is on the move. At any given time she is equipped with a camp chair, a thermos full of coffee, a sack of snacks and the glazed look of someone who hasn’t sat down and eaten with a knife and fork in days.
Sugar-free Savannah monitors every morsel of food that goes into her children’s mouth. She is at the forefront of the committee to get organic, vegan lunch menus in place at school and to have all cookies/cakes banned from the school grounds. Savannah is a proponent of Sharia Snack Law. You’ll have no trouble recognizing Savannah’s kids: they are the ones constantly asking for play dates at which they will ignore your child and spend the entire time eating sticks of butter and sticking their finger in the Nutella jar.
By The Books Brenda
Brenda won’t budge without consulting her Baby Bible. Every decision must be thoroughly researched, weighed and discussed. Her dog-eared, thumb worn copy of the latest parenting tome lives on her bedside table and the app is on her phone. If the book says no solid food until 6 months, Brenda wouldn’t even think about offering a spoonful of mashed banana at midnight of the 29th day of the 5th month. It’s best to steer clear of hot-button topics with Brenda, unless you have the time to hear the latest research.
Eagle-Eyed Elsie is always watching for other people’s kids to slip up, mess up, and screw up. Elsie never misses a trick. She knows who took the shovel in the sandbox, who excluded Juniper-Belle at recess and who didn’t invite the whole class to the birthday party. Elsie will make a bee-line, a detour and a special trip to make sure you know Johnny snatched the match-box car or Josie was the one who banned Jessie from Ring around the Rosie.
Orla’s kids can’t climb the monkey bars because they might fall. They can’t eat Kinder eggs because they could be a choking hazard. They can’t read Diary of a Wimpy Kid because it has the word ‘stupid’ in it. They can’t climb trees or go out to the shop without sunscreen and a hat. Orla hangs out at the bottom of the slide waiting for her kid to come down, lurks in the hallway for them to finish class, and sits in the shallow end of the pool during swimming classes. Just in case. Her first aid kit has everything but a defibrillator…which she’s expecting any day now from Amazon.
Sound familiar? I figured.