It’s Only a Matter of Time

stars-stripes-flag-represent_7e945d6ec7b70513 From Business Day, October 28, 2015:

A big name greeting card company today announced a launch date for its highly anticipated new range of greeting cards. The “Second to None” line was designed in response to the increase of gun-related casualties, and specifically targets consumers looking for a way to reach out to friends or relatives affected by gun-violence.

The range differentiates itself from normal sympathy cards, the company says, by addressing the tragic un-avoidability of gun-violence rather than focusing on grief or loss.

“We noticed the words ‘tragic’ and ‘unavoidable’ had reached a saturation point in the media, particularly among politicians and media outlets,” says the company’s spokesperson S. Wesson. “Our thinking was there was enough of a gap in the market to warrant some research into how such a range would go over.”

“Our research showed that a large percentage of Americans view gun violence as an unavoidable fact of life in the United States. We wanted to give the public a way to express their feelings about gun-violence in a non-confrontational, non-denominational, non-threatening way,” Wesson continues.

A limited test run, featuring a tasteful black and white copy of 2nd Amendment text with the message Our thoughts and prayers go out to you proved to be successful enough that the company expanded the line to include a number of other designs.

“It’s a uniquely American problem which deserves a uniquely American line of greeting cards,” Wesson says.


The company is quick to point out its goal was not to make a statement about gun-violence, but merely to offer an alternative.

“We don’t hesitate to send a birthday card as a way to acknowledge an important day. This is no different really. With victims of gun violence on the rise,” Wesson adds, “it’s important for our customers to feel like they have a way of reaching out.”

Wesson is most proud of the company’s More Guns is the Answer line. The creators worked closely with designers to develop a range of high quality cards, each featuring red, white and blue drawings of eagles and American flags. The cards open to reveal messages such as May you find peace in knowing that had your loved one been armed, he would surely have saved lives.

Other sentiments, rendered in Comic Sans font, include Guns don’t kill people, Planned Parenthood does and This wouldn’t have happened in a concealed carry zone. And a personal favorite of Wesson’s, I hope your loved one’s death isn’t politicized. It’s too soon.

The company is exploring plans for a lighter range of cards such as the Right To Bear Arms, which features a heavily armed grizzly defending his front porch against a government militia and Stuff Happens, featuring cartoon drawings.

20122112113218“Those cards,” Wesson says, “are obviously aimed at those who have had a more light-hearted experience or accident with guns. Think destruction of property rather than death or disfigurement.”

The most controversial of the company’s planned range includes what Wesson refers to as Victim Blaming cards. “The market research we’ve done has shown us there is a significant portion of our customer base who find it difficult to blame guns under any circumstance. For many, death by shooting has become an acceptable consequence for actions we used to take for granted. Talking or texting too loudly. Driving. Going to the movies. We’re simply giving our customers a way to express those feelings.”

The company has answered its critics who raise concerns that the card range is capitalizing on the misfortune of others.

“America is a capitalist country. For over two hundred years we have rewarded those who have profited on the backs of others. This is no different. We are proud to be an American owned corporation.”

Wesson adds, “A greeting card has always been a safe and acceptable way to express your feelings to another human being. Right now posting or delivering a greeting card doesn’t often result in getting shot. Though as recent events show, we can’t rule that eventuality out. If and when that time comes, we’ll revisit the line.”

The company is partnering with big-box retailers who have open carry policies in place. Cards will range from .99 to 3.95 and will be available as of December 1 in time for the holidays.



15 Comments Add yours

    1. Dina Honour says:

      Thank you, Clare!


  1. Lisa says:

    “Our research showed that a large percentage of Americans view gun violence as an unavoidable fact of life in the United States.” This finding is absolutely frightening and certainly makes a factor of consideration for us when the US is a possible next posting!! I can only hope for you all that the US government looks to a little, far away country (and ally), Australia to how they responded to gun violence after the Port Arthur Massacre in 1996. If you’re interested in learning more……


    1. Dina Honour says:

      Lisa, it’s bad, but not that bad…all statistics and quotes were fictional. But…how scary that they could easily be taken as real? We’ll end up back there and I’m an American and it’s a factor for us as well….


  2. This is like those Onion articles where you have to double check to make sure it isn’t real.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Dina Honour says:

      The Onion is a hero of mine. And Anonymous. And Elizabeth Warren. I’m glad you had to double check. Scary, right?

      Liked by 3 people

  3. NotAPunkRocker says:

    S. Wesson.

    I ❤ you for writing this. Brilliantly done.


    1. Dina Honour says:

      Thank you kindly. It was nice to stretch the mind a bit–unfortunately, I didn’t need to stretch it too far…

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Alice says:

        *My* mind stretched so far it snapped, pretty early in the reading. (By the second sentence, I think?) I just kept thinking “UM WHAT!? UM WHAT!?” so loudly, I had read each line twice!! And I kept waiting for your voice to break in and start critiquing this it-never-occurred-to-me-satirical line of greeting cards.

        I have clearly been listening too much to GOP politicians. NOTHING seems too wacko to be true anymore…


        Liked by 1 person

  4. Elyse says:

    Now why didn’t the NRA think of these?

    I was well into the post before I could be sure it was satire. Because our gun policy is satire — a farce.

    Well done!


    1. Dina Honour says:

      Thanks, Elyse! Sometimes it takes a farce to recognize a farce. Hopefully.

      Liked by 1 person

    1. Dina Honour says:

      Thanks, Kelly. This one was challenging!


  5. urbanmanusa says:

    The spokesman’s name was S. Wesson. Instant giveaway.


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