I got back from a weekend with friends to find parts of the American populace worked up into a hazelnut froth over a….coffee cup. That’s right. Not guns or abortion or marriage equality. Not Planned Parenthood or Obama’s birth certificate or even the U.N.’s secret peacekeeping mission in Texas.

A coffee cup.

Now, I’m worthy of some pretty spectacular mental gymnastics when I’m stretching to prove a point. I have, on more than 743 occasions, jumped to a conclusion. But…a coffee cup??

Did Susie Q. Public go into her local Starbucks, order her usual venti dodecahedron mocha latte latte chocolat-é with extra skim froth milk and walk out with her red cup convinced Starbucks had declared a war on Christmas with a….cup?

Did Joe Q. Plumber pop in for a quick grande double shot and uncover the Great Starbucks Christmas Conspiracy?

Is there some Da Vinci code type thing going on that I’m just not getting? Because to me the logic on this one goes something like this:

Starbucks holiday cup is to war on Christmas like

A. Common sense is to what the fuck?
B. For real? is to Get a grip
C. Seriously? is to Surely there are more important things to focus on?
D. All of the above

The last time I checked, red wasn’t a Hanukkah color. Or Diwali. Traditional Kwanza colors include red, but also green, black and often yellow. You know which winter holiday is most often associated with red?

Ding, ding, we have a winner!

Yet Susie takes it to Twitter: Starbucks is anti-Christian! Their holiday cup is red! Obviously Starbucks doesn’t care about its Christmas celebrating customer base! Demand a boycott! #waronchristmas #nomoreventimochalattechinosforthischristian

And Joe takes it to Facebook: Starbucks hates Christians, otherwise they’d bring back the polar bears and snowflakes! It’s just another example of pandering to the political correctness machine. Deciding to do away with cute little snowmen is only speeding up the pussification of America. Starbucks just lost my business! Like if you agree!

I’m sure the global Inuit population would be surprised to find out that reindeer are the exclusive symbol of the reason for the season. Snowflakes too. Don’t forget the snowmen. Those cheery corn-cobbed souls are clearly designed to represent the birth of the baby Jesus.

Yet those are the ‘Christmas icons’ that decorated Starbucks cups in the past. People are outraged that their cups don’t have polar bears and snowmen on them. Hot milk frothing at the mouth angry. And yet..

It’s a cup.

A cup.

A cup, for House Blend’s Sake!

Time Magazine is addressing the issue. CNN is covering it. Even a potential presidential candidate is taking the time to address the color of a take-out coffee cup.

Have people lost their minds?

Oh right. The war on Christmas. That old chestnut roasting on an open fire.

Thing is, there are plenty of wars being fought in the US right now. The one over women’s bodies and reproductive rights. The one over race. Guns. Health Care. Terrorism. You don’t hear much about the war on drugs anymore, but it’s still there. And yet every year I have to hear the craziness about the war on Christmas.

Starbucks has not declared war on Christmas or war on Christians or even non-Christians who celebrate a more secular version of the holiday.

You know how I know? Because Starbucks is not stopping anyone from celebrating Christmas. Just like Target isn’t stopping anyone buying Tonka trucks or Barbies. Just like eating rainbow-colored Doritos isn’t going to make you gay.

The color of a take-out coffee cup has no bearing whatsoever on someone’s right to celebrate the religious holiday of their choice or wish someone a Merry Christmas or Happy Festivus if they so choose.

Because it’s a cup.

Wishing someone an inclusive ‘Happy Holidays’ when you don’t know what, if any, holiday someone celebrates? That’s called being inclusive, it’s not dropping bombs on Christianity. Sending out a card wishing someone well? That’s called being polite, being kind. It’s not setting fire to the ideals of one group. Getting upset that someone didn’t wish you a specific ‘Merry Christmas’ because that’s the holiday you celebrate? That’s just being an asshole. Going ballistic over a coffee cup?

Well, that’s just plain cuckoo for coco-nutty lattes.

If and when buying a take-out vente pumpkin spice cappuccino results in the forfeiture of celebrating the religious holiday of choice, come find me. I’ll happily rant in their corner.

Until then, let’s focus on the war on common sense, which we seem to be losing at an alarming rate.