Jolly Holly. Holly puts her green and rose-colored glasses on before Halloween rolls around. By mid-November she’s decked the halls, the walls, and glitter balled the entire place into a winter wonderland. She is so freaking jolly about donning her gay apparel and rocking around the Christmas tree that sometimes you want to punch her in the throat just to stop the fa la la la las.
PC Pat. From pagan partiers to Kwanzaa carousers, Pat is obsessed with making sure no winter festivity is overlooked. Pat is so careful not to offend that she’s managed to take out not only the Christ out of Christmas but the m, the a, and the s as well. Even songs about snow and snowmen are off limits to Pat lest she offend southern hemisphere dwellers with her assumption of snowflakes and scarves. Despite good intentions, Pat’s run out of room on her Festive Cold Season Wishes card and try as she may, she just can’t seem to get Merry Christmas/Hanukkah/Kwanza/Three Kings Day to all, and to all a goodnight to catch on.
Lara the Last Minute Shopper. Every year Lara promises herself it will be different. Every December 1st, Lara swears she won’t wait until the last minute to buy gifts. Every December 23rd Lara finds herself yet again fighting over the last Star Wars Body Wash set and waiting with hundreds of others in hour-long lines to buy the first perfume set she can find and a dented box of salted caramels.
Priscilla the Perfectionist Your days will be merry. And bright. Damn it, Priscilla will see to it that all your Christmases are white as well. From turkey with all the trimmings to a table set three days before, Priscilla has a vision and no one, I mean no one, is going to get in her way. She’ll fight you for the frankincense and maim you for the myrrh and woe and behold the shop clerk who tells her they’re out of partridges for her pear tree. Her bells are all silver, her perfume is pine, and she drives herself and everyone around her batty with never attainable vision of the perfect Christmas.
Ellie the Early Bird. The opposite of Lara, Ellie starts stock piling holiday goodies on December 27…for the following year. Marked down gift wrap? Ellie’s got twelve. Scarf and hat sets? She’ll take three, thank you very much. By the end of January Ellie has most of the next year’s shopping done. By August, she’s got everything wrapped and ready to go. By November, she can’t remember what she bought or where she’s stashed it.
Dora the Donator. Dora only wants donations to be made in lieu of gifts. She adheres to a strict no gifting policy for her kids and is rigid in her insistence that the holidays are about helping and giving and not receiving. Instead of gifts, her children help in homeless shelters and collect donations for those in need. Her social media feed is full of links to donate, how to help, and the inner glow that comes from the spirit of giving. Like Pat, Dora means well, but she gets too caught up in cutting the rainforest to save the Christmas tree she forgets that sometimes giving and receiving go hand in hand.
Scratch-ticket Stace. Stace doesn’t stress. Stace doesn’t fret. Stace has one go-to-gift for everyone from her grandma to her mail carrier. One stop at the convenience store, a bag full of dollars and a dream and Stace’s holiday shopping is done and dusted.
Christine, the Christmas Party Confessor. Christine uses the season to get rather merry and bright and confesses to everyone who will listen that it was her you saw kissing Santa Claus underneath the mistletoe last night. Sipping and slurring her way through a month of parties, lunches and jingle balls, Christine has a few bubbles, shows off her baubles and proceeds to tell all. There’s no such thing as silent night when Christine gets going and most of the time, her fellow partygoers are left open-mouthed singing O’ Holy Shite…
Ginny the Grinch. Ginny hates the yuletide season and all its tinsel shedding detritus. The evergreens are ever too green. The festive fun is far too festive. Shopping is hateful and the lines are unbearable. She’ll be cleaning up pine needles in March and oh, the cost of it all. She hates chestnuts, yuletide carols and folks dressed up like Eskimos make her gag. If it were up to Ginny, she’d hitch a ride with a couple of kings, traverse afar and get away in a manger until the new year rolls in.
Let the countdown begin.