20 Minutes of Action

20Dear boys,

I do my best. As a feminist raising boys, I go out of my way to have an open and ongoing dialogue with you about differences, about gender and as you get older, about sex and consent.

But I can’t change biology. And I can’t single-handedly change the world we live in and the world you are exposed to. I can only try to counter it in the best way I know how.

And sometimes, despite my intentions and efforts and preaching and screeching, I worry that the pool of cultural influence you’ll eventually dive into will swallow you whole.

I’m sure Brock Turner’s mother did the best she could by her son as well. I’m sure she thought she was raising a polite, respectful child. And maybe he was all of those things. I don’t know Brock Turner. I don’t know what kind of person he is outside of the fact he was convicted of three felony counts of sexual assault. I only know him because of those 20 minutes of action. The truth is, I don’t know what kind of person Brock Turner is. Maybe in all the other minutes of his life he was a good guy.

But none of that changes the fact that in those 20 minutes, he did a bad thing.

I think about those 20 minutes of action, 20 minutes that changed the lives of two people irrevocably, and I wonder if Brock Turner’s mother, like his father, will try to excuse away his behavior as an aberration or a simple unfortunate decision. I understand why she might.

But I need you both to know this: I will never, ever excuse away that behavior.

It is never ok to touch a woman without her consent. It’s never okay to assume a girl or a woman is receptive to your attentions. I don’t care if she’s sober, drunk, incapacitated or even just slightly unsure. It is never okay to assume.

And I will never make excuses for either of you if you do.

I will love you, always and unconditionally. You are my babies, my boys, my soon to be young men. But I will not excuse you if your behavior goes against everything I’ve taught you, everything I stand for. I will spend the rest of my life trying to figure out where I failed along the way. I will second-guess what I could have done better or differently, what more I could have done.

But I will not make excuses for you. I will not lay the blame somewhere else or allow you to do so.

If you reach adolescence or young adulthood thinking it’s ok to read something into the shortness of a girl’s skirt, the way she dances, the amount of beer she drinks at a party? Then I have failed. If you grow up thinking it’s ok to take something that doesn’t belong to you–virginity, dignity, pride, flesh–then I have failed not only you, but every young woman you meet along the way.

If you lay the blame at the threshold of alcohol or culture or that fact that in some twenty-minute span of time you were unable to decide those minutes of action were wrong?

I will not lie for you, I will not excuse you, I will not make excuses.

Because I’m telling you here, right now, and over and over again in no uncertain terms: IT IS WRONG.

It’s wrong to expect sexual favors. It’s wrong to feel entitled to them. It’s forever and always wrong to force yourself on someone. It is wrong to take advantage of someone who cannot give you their full consent. I am telling you this now and every day and I hope it is evident in the way I speak and act and in my behavior.

I’m telling you right now that if a young woman is too intoxicated to speak or move or get home, you do not touch her. Not because I’m worried about you getting into trouble, but because it is the right thing to do. Every.Single.Time. If a young woman is flirting, if she is interested in you, if she initiates sexual contact and then changes her mind, you walk away, because it is the right thing to do. Every.Single.Time.

Because I will not make excuses for you. I will not lie or hide the truth.

You don’t get to do wrong by a woman and then claim it was an unfortunate decision or a mistake or you felt like you were owed. You don’t get to take away the pride and self-respect, confidence and dignity of a women because you were unsure. I’m telling you right now, if you’re unsure, the answer is always no. You don’t get to assault or force yourself on a woman because you thought she wanted it, she said she wanted it, she implied or made you think that. You don’t get to harm a woman just because everyone else is doing it and it’s no big deal.

20 minutes

You don’t get 20 minutes to figure out if something is right or not. You get a split-second in which to remember everything I’m telling you.

I will love you. But I will not let you blame the girl. I will not let you blame the booze or the fraternity or the group. I will not let you blame hormones or biology or flimsy clothes or high heels or makeup or cleavage or flirting or dancing or walking alone or being in a dark parking lot or sexual partners or any hundred thousand other things that have gotten people off the hook. I will hold you responsible for taking everything away from that woman. I will love you.

But I will not let you walk away from it.

Love,
Mom

 

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15 thoughts on “20 Minutes of Action

    • Dina Honour June 8, 2016 / 12:35 pm

      I was thinking about it the other night. As disgusted as I was by his father’s letter, I understood it, to a degree. As a parent, no one wants their child to suffer. But at the same time, as a woman, there is no way I could overlook something like that or make excuses for it. Would I continue to love them and support them in any way that I could? I imagine I could do no different. But there is no way I could in good faith or conscience excuse away what they did. I’m glad so many people I know feel the same.

      Liked by 2 people

  1. aviets June 8, 2016 / 1:20 pm

    Truth. I don’t claim any special parenting skills, but I was never more proud of our son than when I realized I was reading the survivor’s response letter on our son’s Facebook page. He’s a strong advocate for women’s rights and for respect. I shudder to think what the unspoken messages were in the household of the young man in this rape case.

    Like

    • Dina Honour June 8, 2016 / 1:27 pm

      What worries me is that it doesn’t need to be unspoken messages in the house, it seems to be the unspoken messages of a society on the whole–one which doesn’t believe rape victims, blames them, makes it difficult to convict, and ultimately as in this case, betrays them even more by a lenient sentence in the name of the felon being ‘harmed’ enough. What kind of message are we sending our young boys as a society?

      Liked by 2 people

      • aviets June 8, 2016 / 8:25 pm

        You’re absolutely right. It’s totally ingrained in our society.

        Like

    • Dina Honour June 8, 2016 / 1:43 pm

      Oh, and I meant to say you should not only be proud of your son, but of yourselves as well, for raising him. Well done, Mama.

      Liked by 1 person

      • aviets June 8, 2016 / 8:25 pm

        I’m sure the same goes for you. 🙂

        Like

  2. Sinead June 8, 2016 / 1:30 pm

    I had a chat with the oldest boy this morning about this, all of this…. but I’m no writer, Dina! However, YOU have said everything I tried, clumsily to say but couldn’t find the right words to convey the message – he’ll be reading this today! Thank you for finding ALL the words!

    Like

    • Dina Honour June 8, 2016 / 1:42 pm

      My pleasure. I just hate that we even have to say them.

      Like

  3. momocular June 8, 2016 / 4:28 pm

    Very well put. It’s unfathomable that this crime happened in the first place, let alone that the dad had the nerve to make such a pathetic, entitled excuse.

    Like

    • Dina Honour June 8, 2016 / 4:48 pm

      It is. And then it isn’t. I don’t think any of this is new–there have always been privileged, white males who get away with anything and everything, but I think the tide is starting to shift. Maybe it is generational, maybe it has to do with social media, maybe women have just finally had enough. But I watch the articles being shared about this case, and all the likes and shares I see are by women. Which is worrying. I honestly think that in many, many of these cases, these young men truly believe they did nothing wrong. Which is the scariest part of all.

      Like

  4. Amanda Afield June 8, 2016 / 6:21 pm

    If only more people acted this way instead of refusing to believe their children could do any wrong! I’m angry and ashamed of my alma mater as well this week, for their lawyers trying to place partial blame onto a victim who was raped by a security guard at a school sanctioned study abroad site. Infuriating!

    Like

    • Dina Honour June 8, 2016 / 8:56 pm

      This whole thing and then writing this post has really got me to thinking about what concrete steps we can take not only as mothers, but as fathers and society to begin to address these very real issues. And I think one of them is we have absolutely got to stop blaming the victim. Sure, we all do things that might fall under questionable in the common sense category, but on what planet do those questionable decisions lead to sanctioned (by the media, police, court and public opinion) sexual assault??? It’s mad.

      Like

  5. Kelly June 9, 2016 / 6:03 pm

    Here’s what I know about Brock Turner’s mother: she was married to an idiot. I know because he told us so in his defense of his son.

    Like

    • Dina Honour June 9, 2016 / 8:42 pm

      I understand the need/desire to protect your child. But honestly, never at the callous expense of the one who has been harmed, the true victim. Never, ever, ever, ever.

      Like

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