“It is with great sadness The United States of America today announced its decision to split after nearly 250 years together.”

“After careful consideration and numerous attempts at mediation, the United States of America has come to the conclusion that mutual cohabitation is no longer a viable option. Both parties ask you to respect their privacy while they navigate this difficult road of conscious uncoupling.”

Sources cited irreconcilable differences as the reason for the split.

When reporters reached out, New York had this to say: “Please understand, this decision wasn’t taken lightly. Looking back, it became painfully obvious that as individual states we haven’t agreed for a long time: health care, gay and lesbian rights, you name it. While some states have been pushing for tighter gun control laws, there’s been a great hang up over bathroom stalls and birthing brouhahas. We got to the point of constant bickering and fighting. Taxes, abortion, religious freedom laws. After a time you must stop and ask, is all of this healthy? For us, for those countries around us? Ultimately we decided that answer was no.”

Not long after the split was announced, both sides issued separate statements.

Speaking for the newly formed Democratic States of America, California was quoted as saying:

“We would just like to reiterate…again, that we will do everything we can to ensure this split is as amicable as possible. In the upcoming days and months there will be a lot of speculation from the media, but we would just like to state for the record, there was no third-party involved. No left-wing conspiracy involving President Obama turning the nation over to ISIS, no death panels or weapon confiscation schemes. It was simply a case of growing apart. The span just got too big to breach. It was a painful decision, but ultimately we realized that staying together would cause more harm than good, that sometimes you must take your losses and walk away in order to save what’s left.”

When pressed what those losses would be, California hesitated. “Well, there is Disney World of course.”

 

Speaking as representative for the newly formed Republic States of America, Texas confirmed rumors which had been widely circulating for some time. “You have to remember, we were working from very different perspectives, coming from very different backgrounds. At the end of the day, we realized we were looking for different things out of this union.”

“We’ve got a whole state full of gun owners here who are getting twitchy over gun control and legislation. We’ve got a whole mess of people up in arms over marriage equality. We’ve got a wall we need to figure out how to build. It became obvious to all involved there was no clear path to stay together.”

Both representatives confirmed it would be up to individual states as to who they wanted to live with.

While both sides remain committed to hammering out the details, the idea of co-parenting their global relationships was not an option.

“Well, the idea here is for us to isolate ourselves and not get involved so much in the rest of the world,” Texas said. “We’re looking to stop immigration, start the deportation process for those immigrants who are already here. Maybe even those as far as two generations back. We are really just interested in getting back to our version of a great America.”

Asked what that version entailed, Texas demurred. “Hopefully that will become obvious in the weeks and months to come.”

When pressed about the possibility of resurrecting the confederate flag, the state continued. “We haven’t ruled it out. Along with re-segregation and a total ban on immigration based upon religious testing. The wall along the Texas border will surely help on that front. But we’re also looking into a fortified sea front wall to keep everyone else out. And maybe a massive plastic dome to protect us from above.”

“We’re just trying to put the past behind us and looking toward the future,” Texas said. “Airports will only offer domestic flights within red-based states as a measure of security. Gun licensees will be issued alongside national identification documents, including a religious registry. Carbon emissions regulations will be relaxed and fluorocarbons will be gradually reintroduced.”

When asked by reporters if this was progress or regress, Texas merely stated, “We’ve got God on our side, we don’t need anything else.”

Asked if there was anything the country regretted, New York spoke for both parties. “There are always regrets. You wonder how you could have made things work. One of the things we talked about a lot was if we’d just let the southern states secede all those year ago, would some of this heartbreak have been avoided? But you know, it’s easy to see in hindsight.”

In the absence of a pre-union agreement, sources close to both sides predict an acrimonious splitting of assets.

“They’re going to have a hard time splitting up the finances,” one source close to the parties is quoted as saying. “I mean, you’ve got all that oil in Texas and Alaska, but then again, the finance, media, and government will likely stay within the Democratic States. Things could get really ugly fast.

“I wish them luck.” California said. “I mean, we’ve got a lot of shared history behind us, a lot of good times. Will it turn bitter? I hope not. But you know, I never thought we’d split up for good either.”

Both sides requested privacy while they iron out the finer points of the split, which most predict will lose any sense of amiability when the reality of a full-blown uncoupling sets in.