I shall not bake more than once in a school year. Dozens of children per grade x two parents = me baking once a year. Children do not need baked goods in the shape of trees for Arbor Day and the like.
I shall not doubt my kid’s teacher’s method of teaching math just because it’s not the way I did it. Let she who still has to borrow and carry with tiny numbers and tally marks cast the first stone. I shall not email said teacher at 9 pm because I don’t understand how math works these days.
I shall not empty my kids’ backpacks, fish their dirty football socks out of the bottom of their gym bags, or remind them to take their stank-ass PE clothes home.
I shall not inquire upwards of 85 times if their homework is done, but instead let them live with the consequences of not doing, finishing, or remembering said homework.
I shall not rush to school with thy kid’s shit, including lunch, lunch money, homework, the diorama they were supposed to bring into class, or the coat they rolled their eyes at when I suggested it. Even if they’re freezing.
I shall resist the urge to remind my children about ye olden days when I had to get by with the Dewey Decimal system, card catalogs, and reference my set of Funk & Wagnall’s Encyclopedias when all they have to do is Just F*cking Google It.
I shall not do my kids’ homework or projects for them. Psstt….we can all tell that your seven year old did not make the hand carved zither out of teak.
I shall let my child figure out their own petty shit as much as I can, encourage them to learn how to deal with peers and give them the skills to cope with schoolyard asses.
I shall trust my child teacher’s knows what she/he is doing and that no, actually, I don’t know better. I shall do my best not to get sucked into gossip or negativity about my child’s teacher, school, curriculum, cafeteria, homework policy, strictness, laid-backness, methods of teaching, book choices, perfume, number of sick days, not planning her pregnancy better, etc., etc.
I shall advocate for my kids when my kids need me to, but back the hell off when they don’t. I shall recognize and remember that what’s best for my kid often means someone else’s kid is losing out or not getting what they need, that life isn’t perfect, my kids aren’t perfect, and most of the time, no one’s going to lose an eye and it’ll all be just fine.