Unlike John Denver’s musical ode to West Virginia, I am most decidedly not in almost heaven.
More like almost hell.
I know I’m not in hell because if I were in hell I would be experiencing the Inferno-esque thermo-nuclear changes my body is throwing at me while a man followed me around explaining to me I’m doing the hot flash thing all wrong. Or that it was just all in my head and that maybe I was just being a bit too sensitive. And my life would be an endless loop some random dude who continually said, “Well, actually…”
So I know I’m not in hell.
But it appears I am lingering in some sort of purgatory. Neither here, nor there. One foot in, one foot out of this never-ending loop of hormones.
At least in hell you know you’re there for the duration.
There’s a tendency to poke fun of women at this time of life. And you should trust me when I tell you, you’re taking your life into your hands. It’s a bit like poking an angry bear. But, oh! The things we can mock! The constant fanning and complaining! The rage! The libido that shrivels up until it falls out of your uterus one night when you’re sleeping! The crying over a car commercial one minute and hurling your size fucking tiny clothes that are never going to fit again onto the bed. Oh yes, it’s all fodder for the funny isn’t it?
But.I.Am.Telling.You.It’s.No.Fun.Up.Here.
Not hell.
But hot damn if it’s not close. And I do mean hot.
This ride through anti-puberty is no cup of tea. No picnic. I mean, it should be a CELEBRATION. It should be, ‘hey, no more worrying about an unplanned pregnancy. I have brought forth two lives. I am done. Now let’s rock n roll.”
But oh, no.
Oh, no, no, no.
Why is it such a pain in the ass? Here are just a few things I can no longer do while I’m spontaneously combusting here in hormone purgatory …
Pack lightly. Because the wild swings of internal thermometer settings means I need everything from a winter parka to a bikini at any given time.
Look at, think about, or come within five feet of bread without gaining sixteen pounds between sitting down at the table and getting up.
Blow dry my hair, even on the cool setting, without sweating like Rocky Balboa running up the steps of Philadelphia City Hall.
Sleep with a duvet. Sleep without a duvet. Sleep in general.
Have a conversations that do not include, “Is it hot in here? Are you hot? Is it me? Are you hot?”
Google any kind of medical symptoms because every symptom, from minor sinusitis to major elephantitis, is, it would appear, a side-effect of peri-menopause.
Go anywhere without some sort of jerry rigged self-fanning device.
Enjoy a hot beverage without sitting near an open window.
Read the news without getting into a righteous rage and furiously typing angry things to strangers then deleting them.
Wear sleeveless tops because Jesus, bat wings? Really???
I don’t know how long I’m going to be stuck here. Could be months. Could be years. Jesus, don’t let it be years. Please don’t let it be years.
Do you know how difficult it is to go about your daily life when you want to stick your head in the freezer, tear a phone book in half, and hurl all your size fucking tiny clothes on the bed because they’re never going to fit again because you looked at bread?
Do you???
So, dear readers, save a prayer for the woman of a certain age that you know who might just be walking a tightrope between spontaneous combustion and freezing.
Is it hot in here? Are you hot?
Is it me?
Wine and Cheese (Doodles) 
Not just you. Been there. And–years. 😦 I think I need to share this with someone to prove it’s not just me, either. 🙂
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OH my GOD. Years??? Say it ain’t so!
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Years & years, dearies. Years & years. And the only way not to get fat is to give up all junk carbs. Forever. 😔
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It SUCKS. I have to eat 1/2 as much and do 2x MORE just to NOT gain any weight. Forget about losing weight. And the extra pounds are in places THEY’VE NEVER BEEN BEFORE. But not my boobs or anything. Bat wings. My God. The horror.
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oh…and there is the forgetfulness….squirrel…lost of concentration and leaving keys and phones in unexpected places…remote in the freezer??? It’s just that my hands were full.
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I am famous for not remembering where I put my phone. More than once it has been in my pocket. More than twice it has been on the shoe rack by the front door….
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love your writing.
On Thu, Sep 6, 2018 at 1:11 PM, Wine and Cheese (Doodles) wrote:
> WandC(D) posted: “Unlike John Denver’s musical ode to West Virginia, I am > most decidedly not in almost heaven. More like almost hell. I know I’m not > in hell because if I were in hell I would be experiencing the Inferno-esque > thermo-nuclear changes my body is throwing” >
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Thank you!
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Love it Dana!
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Hate to say it darling, but I started that process at 42 and now, almost 20 years later, at 61, while there are no more flashes, the thermostat is permanently stuck on high. Unless I’m in a highly air conditioned place, most people just assume I have malaria from the excessive sweating. All. The. Time. I’ve given up wearing a winter coat and just wear a turtleneck and a ponch. In NY. In the winter. I’ve given away all my “light-weight” turtlenecks because, seriously? I’ve discovered which natural deodorant actually works. I miss cute little cardigan sweaters. I also miss makeup because it just melts off me in the summer. Looking forward to nuclear winter so I can go back to wearing mascara.
That said, I am in charge of the thermostat in the office, and during a heatwave I’m in my corner, still needing a personal electric fan even though I’ve turned the A/C down so far the 20 and 30 somethings are wearing sweatshirt and socks. I take a certain pleasure in their whining that it’s cold in the office because OBVIOUSLY IT’S NOT BECAUSE I AM SWEATING LIKE A ROAST PIG AND I’M WEARING AS FEW CLOTHES AS IS OFFICE-LY POSSIBLE.
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Oh my I heard so many stories like this and reading by the comments here, I sure started to sweat thinking of when it will happen to me! maybe soon or maybe lucky in 10yrs or so… now I feel so sorry for my mom that time I don’t understand what she’s going through. 😦 It makes me wonder why women are being punished or was it because of “Eve”?!!
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In the midst of the worst of it, I have to remind myself it’s not a punishment. It doesn’t work very often, but I try!
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Nooooooooooooooooooooooo, you are not the only one. I am going on 15 years since I began the hot flashes and every once in a while they go away until something stresses me out and back them come. It does give me a brief respite and lets me know what it will be like eventuallly, I think……I hope…….
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Don’t tell me that!!!!
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