Dear (fill in name of friend here),

Oh my God, it’s been (months/years/decades). Maybe it’s just me, but it’s been hard to get a handle on the (passage of pandemic time/what day it is/the loop of Groundhog Day we’re stuck inside). But tell me, how are you? No wait, don’t! I mean either you’ve been trying to survive this plague upon our houses or you’re holed up doom-scrolling Twitter for Q clues, I get it. But either way, it’s been way too long. Or maybe it hasn’t. Who the hell knows what year it is, right? 😂🤣

I keep meaning to reach out to you but usually I only get as far as (double clicking a social media post/giving a thumbs up on an IM/replying with a string of those emojis that can be either laughing or crying there’s no consensus 😂🤣). I promise my intentions are good but no matter what, it always seems as if (checking World-o-meter stats/scheduling PCR tests/rebooking plane tickets) gets in the way.

I guess that just means the old saying is true: time does fly when (you’re scrambling to retain your air miles/worrying about the downfall of civilization/attempting to understand supply chain issues), doesn’t it?

You’re not going to believe this but…your name came up just the other day. I ran into (mutual friend/the med student at the vaccination clinic/the poor guy at the door of TJ Maxx telling everyone to wear their mask) and (she/he/they) asked me, “Hey, how’s (fill in name of friend)? (She’s/He’s/They’ve) got to be (recovering from Covid/ready to leave the house for the first time in 18 months/about to give up on humanity), right?” And I’ve got to tell you (fill in name of friend), that really made me think about how long it’s been since we’ve seen each other (IRL/on a Teams Meetings/in a #TBT post).

I need to apologize though. I’m pretty sure that I missed your (Covid + announcement/birthday drive-by/Zoom happy hour). The truth is, I spend waaaay too much time (tracking new variants/learning the Greek alphabet/clawing my way out of a black hole of depression). Every day I start off with good intentions, but by the time I sit down at night to (binge watch Netflix/finish another bottle of wine/try to figure out if my kids have in-person schooling the next day), it seems like another whole day is gone, spent (reminding myself to wear pants/cooking endless meals/contemplating if the internet has hastened the dumbing down of humankind). Things have got to get better though, right? At least enough to (plan a vacation/leave the house/throw away my N95s) anyway. To be honest, most of the time I can’t even remember if it’s (Monday/January/2020/1/2). What a (wild/batshit/f*@%ing) crazy timeline we’re living in, right?? It’s like a (Marvel meta-verse/dystopian novel/the plot of Contagion).

I don’t know about you, but I’m ready to go back to (1999/2009/2019) just for some normalcy.

But hey, (fill in name of friend), listen. Even though I’ve been a shitty friend, I want you to know that I (stalk your Facebook posts/watched your crazy cousin’s TikTok video about her keys sticking to her face/ask my sister every now and then how you are). The other (day/month/year) I was reading an article about things to do help (ring in the new year/avoid a spiral of depression/survive a global pandemic) and one of the suggestions was to write a good old-fashioned letter. After all, it’s nice to receive something that isn’t (a rage @ tweet/😷💩😂🤣/WHO recommendation PSAs). I do think of you often and wonder if you and your family (are vaccinated/have enough toilet paper/are surviving this cluster*ck).

So, in case you’ve been wondering where I’ve been, rest assured…it’s not you! It’s (Alpha/Delta/Omicron)! Well that and (long Covid/existential exhaustion/menopause). I really do feel bad about not keeping in touch, though.

Anyway, I hope that you are (Covid negative/triple vaccinated/not sick of shoving a swab up your nose) and that you’re finding some small ways to avoid (the 5G crazies/resigning your position over Teams/Flurona). Please keep me up to date. Don’t be a stranger.

Off to get tested!

Yours in social distancing,

(Fill in your name here)