The Absolutely True Story of Our Family Holiday Card

Some people are really good at gifts, a knack for finding that perfect something. Others love to bake…hundreds of melty snowmen cookies and cute little Santas made from tiny pieces of dried fruit which must be cut with nail scissors they’re so small. I have a good friend (you know who you are) who makes gorgeous, elaborate ginger bread structures. One year she microwaved Jolly Ranchers to make stained glass windows. Not even kidding.

Me? I get paper cuts from wrapping and, like the Christmas goose, I’m getting fat. There are certainly no hay pennies to toss in this old woman’s hat by the end of all the gift-buying. But I have my own little piece of the holidays where I go over the top, down into the valley, and up the other side.

Our family holiday card.

You see, I may not love Christmas and all the trimmings, but every year we do a family holiday photo card. It started out with a picture of our eldest son in cute little outfits. Then it extended to include all of us. Now it’s morphed into a full-blown production.

I just got this year’s out and I’m already starting to stress about what to do next year.

Not really.

(But yeah, sort of)

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A friend said, when she got this year’s card (via email–postage in Denmark is ridiculous), “Oh, when I look at your card I think, I wish we were one of those families!”

I burst out laughing.

You see, the finished product is one thing. The process? That is something else entirely.

We are..most decidedly…not one of those families. And by those families I mean ones who actually measure up to the lives their holiday photo is portraying. Which is why we forgo the cutesy family pjs in lieu of something a bit less Rockwell and more…say…Parker family from A Christmas Story. More representative of us.

You know, the ones who are thinking of getting a crest with the family motto: Don’t be a dick.

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I don’t tend toward anxiety, but when I do, it’s almost always about time. My kids are thirteen and almost ten and if it’s 7 pm and I know they haven’t had dinner I still get a knot of anxiety in my stomach. Getting to the airport is a nightmare, I can never get the timings right. This year, I knew the set up for the card was going to be time-consuming and time? Time, unlike my middle-aged spread, is in short supply this year. A traveling photographer, visitors, plans, more visitors, more traveling for the photographer.

Basically I had a 2 hour window to get it done.

Cue me, hurling clothes from the cupboard looking for a wig and the family Santa hats in an anxious fit which more accurately resembled semi-rage.

You see, this is what goes on behind the card. Not Happy Families. Snarky Ones.

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Things I do not do when shooting our Christmas card:

Xmas Card 2015 From The Usual Suspects
Gather my children round and speak to them in soothing, dulcet tones

Regal them with warm and fuzzy stories of the holiday season

Snuggle up next to them with hot cocoa and sugar cookies

Things I DO do

Threat, beg, plead, bribe

Swear never to do it again

Say things like “It’s doesn’t feel like the most wonderful time of the year, does it? For fuck’s sake, it’s supposed to be the most wonderful time of the year! Show some gratitude for the wonder!”

Thank the universe profusely when it’s over.

Here’s what the scene of shooting our holiday card really resembles:

Hours of prep work on my part. Hours of my husband (the traveling photographer) taking too long to get the lighting just right, the camera sitting precariously perched on a pile of books on an upturned stool on a jerry-rigged tripod. The kids getting fidgety about thirty seconds after I announce we’re good to go, at least thirty shots where everyone looks good….except one person. In years past we’ve spent an hour taking photos only to end up using the first one we took. This year, we ended up using the last one so there was some karmic retribution there.

Last year’s shoot was probably the worst. The fake fur rugs we were wearing kept slipping off. Wrapping paper swords were denting. We couldn’t decide on fierce or funny. The lighting wasn’t right. My photographer was getting frustrated. There was yelling and I think there may have been hissing.xmas-2016-christmas-is-coming.jpg

All witnessed by my mother and sister.

Not our best.

The card looked good though.

This year was pretty mild in comparison. The camera fell from its perch once and there was a collective intake of breath. Would it crack? Would the photographer be in a foul mood? Would we finish within our two-hour window?

It didn’t. He wasn’t. We did.

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All for what you may ask?

Well, part of it is definitely memories. And part of it is the fun of the finished product. But I’m not going to lie. I’m….good at holiday cards. It’s become an annual challenge to come up with something quirky or different. I like giving my friends and family something fun or funny to look at each year. And buried beneath all of that, we actually are making memories.

They just have more swearing and less sugar plums than you’d think.

My holiday gift? My husband and kids indulging me in a ridiculously over the top tradition. It may be a silly tradition. It may be an over-the-top one. But it’s ours. And at the end of the day, that’s all that matters.

 

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The War on Christmas

#Breaking: As part of Operation Kringle, President Trump today ordered the deployment of the newly renamed 1st North Pole Battalion to an undisclosed mid-west location to monitor and protect the Koch Tree Farm, the nation’s largest supplier of Spruce and Fir trees.

President Trump today, speaking from a dais festooned with holly and ivy, declared the latest deployment the first step in the War on Christmas.

“Today, we will make America Merry Again!,” the president declared. “No one celebrates Christmas as bigly as The United States of America, no one, ok? It’s tremendous. So much Christmas-ing. You’re going to be sick of Christmas-ing there’ll be so much of it.”

The President was flanked by his advisors, all donned in gay apparel. One notable exception was vice-president Pence who was seeking conversion therapy from apparel he donned “too gay”.

“After eight years under the imposter Kwanza president, with his anti-American diversity and his sad policies, I’m here to tell you that Americans can once again have a holly jolly Christmas without fear of prostitution! What’s that?” he asked, “Oh, without fear of persecution!”

The President’s remarks were praised by his Attorney General, Jeffrey Sessions (who, despite  strong resemblance, insists there is no family relation to the Keebler Elf).

“They,” the president continued, “they want to come into our country and take Christmas away from us! With their dirty “Happy Holidays” and their foreign “Season’s Greetings”. It’s everywhere you look,” the president shouted into the microphone. “It’s all over the cards. You go into a Wal-Mart, and what do you hear from the people working there?” he asked, “Happy Holidays,” the President appeared to mock the words, screwing his face and raising his hands, reminiscent of his mocking of a disabled reporter during the election campaign.

“No one, you hear me, no one is going to force you to say ‘Happy Holidays’ anymore!” the president shouted. At one point Trump, pausing in his speech, pointed to a speaker hanging in the corner. “You hear that, folks? If we can bring Christmas to Africa,” referring to the 1984 song Do they Know it’s Christmas playing, “we can bring Christmas back to the United States!”

AP Reuters later reported that the audience was stacked with paid supporters of the President.

At one point, appearing to go off-script Trump asked, “You know what you never hear?You never hear I’m Dreaming of a White Hanukkah, do you? Or It’s Beginning to look a lot like Kwanza. You never hear Rocking around the Menorah. You don’t hear any of those things, but them? Those people? Liberals and Pochahontas and devil-worshippers? They want to come in with their political correctness and make you sing songs about Three Kings Day. They want your kids to know that some people celebrate other holidays. Fake holidays! Not in this country! No. December is for Christmas. The rest? Fake holidays! Sad!”

The President went on, “I’m going to build a great, big, beautiful wall around Christmas. And newly elected Senator Moore over here from Alabama? Well, we’re putting him in charge of rounding up yon virgins. Mother and child.” The Presdient chuckled. “Look, between you and me,” the president said, winking at Moore, “the mother’s just there for show, right? He’s really just after the yon virgins. Hey Roy, did you know that ‘yon’ means ‘young’? I didn’t know that til my son-in-law told me. Very smart. Smartest kid in the room.”

Asked by pool reporters about the absence of mistletoe above the podium, the President replied, ‘Who needs mistletoe? When you’re a star, you can do whatever you want. You can grab ‘ by the pussy!” the president said, to laughter.

BBC News later reported that the raucous laughter was from a pre-recorded laugh track.

CNN reporter Jake Tapper asked the President if he saw any hypocrisy in celebrating the story of Joseph and Mary, Jewish refugees seeking shelter, while promoting his travel ban, which targets visitors from majority Muslim nations, including refugees seeking shelter. Trump decried the biblical story as fake news.

Later, when asked if the President viewed Jesus as a white-skinned, blue- eyed blonde, despite anthropological and historical evidence, press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders said, “This was all covered during the campaign. The President has made his opinions of Jesus known. He prefers to believe in the alternative bible. It is the President’s position that all other biblical scholars are liars.”

Trump ended his press conference with a bold promise.

“I pledge the full power and might of our great military to fight this war on the yuletide season. We shall go on to the end of the year. We shall fight them in the shopping malls, we shall fight them on the coffee cups, we shall fight them in the schools and in big-box retailers, we shall fight in the media; we shall never surrender, and we shall win. Bigly.”

During Huckabee-Sander’s Q&A session afterward, a Fox News reporter asked how the President was planning to celebrate the holiday.

“Alone in Mar-a-lago, counting his coins,” Huckabee Sanders said. “But in the spirit of Christmas, he shall choose one white boy-child to send a turkey to because in the US, white boy children are routinely oppressed and discriminated against. The President has pledged to bring turkey back to the forgotten Americans.”

“Would that be the same turkey he pardoned at Thanksgiving? the reporter followed up with Sanders.

“No comment,” the press secretary said before she walked off the stage.

When asked later for comments, critics of the President pointed to 68,540 studies showing that retail sales during the holiday season were up, and that, in actuality, there were zero actual instances of Christmas being banned, of Christians being denied the opportunity to wish anyone a Merry Christmas.

“No one is stopping anyone from celebrating Christmas,” said one critic who wished to remain anonymous for fear of reprisal.  “There are no Secret Nativity Police as is being reported in Breitbart,” she said. “There are no Tannenbaum Terrorists as Fox News is saying. In fact, the entire thing is made up. It started with a Starbucks cup. Now if you’ll excuse me,” she said, “I need to respond the President’s tweet that an army of Maccabees are marching on the White House armed with menorahs.” She paused.

“It’s not true, by the way. Oh, and Happy Holidays. Screw the President.”

 

A Christmas Carol

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God bless us, every one

My feelings regarding the Christmas season are well-known throughout the land, not to mention well documented in these pages. But this year, I promised to turn over a new leaf. A gilded leaf. A leaf from the pear tree that the partridge is sitting in. A leaf which extended my dining table to seat 12.

For the first time ever, we hosted the whole family for Christmas dinner: the Redcoats were coming and the Yanks flew over too. We would mix and mingle tradition, create new ones, and try, ever so valiantly, not to kill one another with passive aggressiveness, the holiday gift that keeps on giving.

I planned on being merry. I planned on being bright. I planned on being as lit up as the Christmas tree by about noon, courtesy of the finer wine my husband usually puts aside until the holidays, the one he assures me I won’t like. My husband is exceedingly generous….unless we’re talking expensive red wine.

When we invited everyone to come and stay with us for the holidays last year I knew couldn’t play Christmas hostess with the most-est if I didn’t put on my Christmas tinted glasses and alter my views to include–if not an actual winter wonderland– then at least a virtual one.

We planned, well in advance. Unpacking after the summer vacation we worked out the menu. By the time the leaves started to change color, we’d gotten the kids to write their wish lists. Extra bedding secured was secured by Halloween, five golden rings bought on sale by Black Friday and ten drummers drumming lined up by mid-December. Ba rump bum bum bum.

Bam! Done and dusted with confectionary sugar and sprinkles. What could go wrong?

There were very minor issues, like the great can-it-really-be-Christmas-without-sprouts? debate which caused my in-real-life friends no end of amusement and offered months worth of mirth and a multitude of sprout jokes at my expense.

The sprouts were a metaphor, you see. When you host a big holiday, it’s not just the food you’re managing. You’re managing expectations as well. When you’re doing it across cultures, even cultures as entwined and related as Brit and American, you’re managing tradition as well. You’ve got to take into consideration all those ghosts of Christmases past.

dinner
Are there sprouts?

My British half is used to Christmas dinner Charles Dickens style. Turkey and trimmings and figgy pudding and possibly a small, polio stricken child in the corner. My Italian-American family traditionally did thirteen fish dishes on Christmas Eve. Linguine and lobster and lots of napkins tucked into your collar and talking with your mouth full. Conveniently, I am allergic to both turkey and as a recent mad dash to the emergency room proved, white fish as well.

Bring on the beef.

The menu change fit in with our plans. It was a Christmas reboot. Learn from the ghosts of Christmas past and use them to reconfigure Christmas present. A little bit of this, a little bit of that: American style mashed potatoes to go with the more traditional English roasted ones. Ice cream sundaes for dessert instead of Christmas pudding, but a full Boxing Day brunch. Throw in some Danish aebleskiver and pakkeleg and Bob Crachit’s your uncle. We were hoping that the proof in the Christmas pudding was that holidays don’t have to be done a specific way in order to be successful; that it is more important to fit everyone around the table than it is to fit the roast beast in the oven. That the ghosts of Christmas past can mingle and mix with the ones of the present and the future and all sit down and have a meal together.

So…did it work?

To tell you the truth, my husband and I were too busy in the kitchen to notice.

Hosting Christmas is hard work. Even when it goes off without a hitch, it’s a lot of preparing and chopping and slicing and dicing and wrapping and planning and bow-ing and be-ribboning. It’s a lot of baking and whipping and mixing and sprinkling, defrosting and in a small oven, military planning as to what is going in at what time. To the point where at several critical junctures, my husband and I were standing at the ready with oven mitts ready to take one pan out to get the next one in.

But…all of that, all of the planning and the cooking and yes, even the ironing of the napkins, allowed, I hope, the opportunity for our extended family to have a relaxing Christmas dinner, to share stories of their own traditions with one another. There was plenty of wine to lubricate the day. There was enough food for lunch and dinner the next day, and ham sandwiches the day after that. And dare I say that the absence of the sprouts didn’t cause too much distress.

C carol
How do you kids feel about Dubai? Good?

It was exhausting. But it was also rewarding to have everyone in one place, enjoying the day. And that, we realized, was the best gift we could give to everyone. It made me appreciate so much more all the holiday dinners planned and executed by my mother and mother-in-law, by my grandmothers, by my sister-in-law. The hosts of Christmases past. Though you can’t wrap that appreciation with a bow and set it under the tree, I hope it is, nonetheless, a lovely gift to carry around.

Later my husband and I nestled all snug in our bed and faced the idea of Christmases future.

We both agreed it would lovely if we could spend the next one with good friends in Dubai.

 

 

Nine People Yule Meet During the Holidays

Holly's sometimes so jolly you want to punch her.
Holly’s sometimes so jolly you want to punch her.

Jolly Holly. Holly puts her green and rose-colored glasses on before Halloween rolls around. By mid-November she’s decked the halls, the walls, and glitter balled the entire place into a winter wonderland. She is so freaking jolly about donning her gay apparel and rocking around the Christmas tree that sometimes you want to punch her in the throat just to stop the fa la la la las.

PC Pat. From pagan partiers to Kwanzaa carousers, Pat is obsessed with making sure no winter festivity is overlooked. Pat is so careful not to offend that she’s managed to take out not only the Christ out of Christmas but the m, the a, and the s as well. Even songs about snow and snowmen are off limits to Pat lest she offend southern hemisphere dwellers with her assumption of snowflakes and scarves. Despite good intentions, Pat’s run out of room on her Festive Cold Season Wishes card and try as she may, she just can’t seem to get Merry Christmas/Hanukkah/Kwanza/Three Kings Day to all, and to all a goodnight to catch on.

Lara the Last Minute Shopper. Every year Lara promises herself it will be different. Every December 1st, Lara swears she won’t wait until the last minute to buy gifts. Every December 23rd Lara finds herself yet again fighting over the last Star Wars Body Wash set and waiting with hundreds of others in hour-long lines to buy the first perfume set she can find and a dented box of salted caramels.

Touch my freaking place settings and I'll sick twelve lords a leaping on you...
Touch my freaking place settings and I’ll sick twelve lords a leaping on you…

Priscilla the Perfectionist Your days will be merry. And bright. Damn it, Priscilla will see to it that all your Christmases are white as well. From turkey with all the trimmings to a table set three days before, Priscilla has a vision and no one, I mean no one, is going to get in her way. She’ll fight you for the frankincense and maim you for the myrrh and woe and behold the shop clerk who tells her they’re out of partridges for her pear tree. Her bells are all silver, her perfume is pine, and she drives herself and everyone around her batty with never attainable vision of the perfect Christmas.

Ellie the Early Bird. The opposite of Lara, Ellie starts stock piling holiday goodies on December 27…for the following year. Marked down gift wrap? Ellie’s got twelve. Scarf and hat sets? She’ll take three, thank you very much. By the end of January Ellie has most of the next year’s shopping done. By August, she’s got everything wrapped and ready to go. By November, she can’t remember what she bought or where she’s stashed it.

Dora the Donator. Dora only wants donations to be made in lieu of gifts. She adheres to a strict no gifting policy for her kids and is rigid in her insistence that the holidays are about helping and giving and not receiving. Instead of gifts, her children help in homeless shelters and collect donations for those in need. Her social media feed is full of links to donate, how to help, and the inner glow that comes from the spirit of giving. Like Pat, Dora means well, but she gets too caught up in cutting the rainforest to save the Christmas tree she forgets that sometimes giving and receiving go hand in hand.

Scratch-ticket Stace. Stace doesn’t stress. Stace doesn’t fret. Stace has one go-to-gift for everyone from her grandma to her mail carrier. One stop at the convenience store, a bag full of dollars and a dream and Stace’s holiday shopping is done and dusted.

Did I tell you about that time under the tree?
Did I tell you about that time under the tree?

Christine, the Christmas Party Confessor. Christine uses the season to get rather merry and bright and confesses to everyone who will listen that it was her you saw kissing Santa Claus underneath the mistletoe last night. Sipping and slurring her way through a month of parties, lunches and jingle balls, Christine has a few bubbles, shows off her baubles and proceeds to tell all. There’s no such thing as silent night when Christine gets going and most of the time, her fellow partygoers are left open-mouthed singing O’ Holy Shite…

Ginny the Grinch. Ginny hates the yuletide season and all its tinsel shedding detritus. The evergreens are ever too green. The festive fun is far too festive. Shopping is hateful and the lines are unbearable. She’ll be cleaning up pine needles in March and oh, the cost of it all. She hates chestnuts, yuletide carols and folks dressed up like Eskimos make her gag. If it were up to Ginny, she’d hitch a ride with a couple of kings, traverse afar and get away in a manger until the new year rolls in.

Let the countdown begin.